I Have a Confession to Make

I'm ashamed to admit this, so I'm not going to say it too loudly.  I'll just whisper it.  Come closer so you can hear me:

I don't understand Twitter.  

This is like the most embarrassing thing you could ever confess in a social media-obsessed circle.  These people worship at the altar of Twitter.  All day long they're Twitter, Twitter, Twitter, tweet, tweet, tweet. 

It's like a party that I never got invited to.  Except, actually I get invited to Twitter parties all the time.

I don't even know what a Twitter party is.  Or a tweet-up, or a retweet.

I get emails that say "We're having a party!" and I get a little excited.  Parties are fun.  There's food and drink and conversation.  Oh wait ... it's a Twitter party.  Do I put that in my Google calendar?  Am I clearing my schedule so I can sit at my computer and tweet all afternoon?  Do I make myself a fun blue cocktail and some Chex mix for my own little Twitter party of one?

Now, of course, the hosts of the party figure you're free to tweet at the given hour of the Twitter party, because in this day and age people of the social media world are just assumed to be on Twitter 24/7. 

I know about the constant Twittering because last week at the Brands & Bloggers summit, there was a never-ending din of click-click-click throughout the room.  Everyone was on Tweetdeck, rapid-fire tweeting messages to eat other back and forth.  Even the speakers on the panel were tweeting while other people spoke.  My assumption is that missing two hours on the Twitterverse to speak on a panel would be like the Twitter equivalent of waking up from a coma after 20 years.  So much can change in two hours.

The thing is, my beef with Twitter has nothing to do with criticizing others for being addicted to technology.  I'm addicted to plenty of forms of technology.  And I don't hate Twitter and its paltry 140-character limit because of some Luddite "we're all so connected but we're not really connecting" argument either.

I just legitimately don't see the point of Twitter.

I kind of get the original purpose of Twitter.  It is a "micro-blogging" service, so you can give everyone quick updates about where you are and what you're doing.  Now, many people argue that the world doesn't really need to be kept apprised every detail of your life.  But as a person who peppers Facebook with updates about my cat all day long, I don't feel like I'm in a position to judge anybody for over-sharing.

So, if Twitter had stayed at the level of people's constant updates, I'd understand it.  But like everything, it has been corrupted for boring business and promotional purposes. 

Everybody's following brands, with their continual tweets about promotions and contests and giveaways.  With all the advertising on there, Twitter feels like a magazine where you have to sift through copious ads just to find a legitimate article.

Oh, and the hashtags.  For those who don't know, a hashtag is a specified code for a particular event, topic, or brand, preceded by the # sign.  So, for example, if there were an election going on, you might tweet something of a political nature, and then end your tweet with #election.  The # sign signals the Twitter software to collect data as to how many other people are using that hashtag and talking about that particular topic.  Topics that get a lot of discussion on Twitter are said to be "trending" at that time.

I remember the first party I attended where I overheard somebody, smartphone in hand, asking another partygoer, "Is there a hashtag for this party?"

What, is that a thing? I wondered.  But that was two years ago, and now, yes, hashtags for parties are a thing.

And I feel like I totally missed the Twitter bandwagon.  And saying you're not on Twitter isn't like admitting you haven't checked out Google+ yet.  Google+ is just a few weeks old, and it's not too late for you to jump on.  Twitter is a fully-established thing, and at this point I'm so behind in the Twitter world that it might be too late for me to catch up.  Not only does the rest of the world know and love Twitter, but they're fully established with various Twitter-based side services, like Instagram, Foursquare, and Get Glue. 

But, I legitimately do not get what the big deal about Twitter is.  The way other people talk about Twitter, I wonder if maybe they have been granted access to a super-awesome special version of Twitter, whereas I'm stuck with the boring peppered-with-indecipherable-symbols version. 

Why would I sign up for ads to be shot in my face?  Why do I want to sort through page after page of messages that include just one person's side of a conversation?  I find it exhausting to keep up with the volume of information that gets spit out every minute on Twitter.

To me, Twitter feels like being in a very large, loud room where you can only hear snippets of several people's conversations:

@susieq, I LOVED THAT BOOK!  BEST BOOK I EVER READ!
[What book?  I want to know the name of this life-changing book you're recommending.  So then I click over to @susieq's Twitter feed to find out, but she stopped talking about the book 15 tweets ago, and now she's moved on to tweeting her side of a conversation with another person about frozen yogurt chains.]

Check out our awesome BOGO sale!  bit.ly.com #BobsSuperShoes 

[I do not care. I am bombarded with enough advertising out in the real world.  You already sent me this information via email and put it on Facebook.]

@Yourfriend is the greatest!  Besties for life! 

[This is an example of a stranger's tweet that shows up in your feed simply because it mentions somebody that you are following.  What is the purpose of these tweets?  Is it to make you aware that, hey, somebody you follow knows other people and does things with those people?]

RT @ABC tinyurl.12459083%$.com #symbols

[You need help, because that thing you just said doesn't make sense to anybody but you and the voices you hear in your head.]

I'm a super movie star and I'm hanging out with @Othermoviestar at #Starbucks!

[I admit that the idea of following a mega-celebrity on Twitter does seem a little bit exciting, because it initially feels like that person is sending messages directly to you.  Until you realize that a celebrity's Twitter feed is no more directed specifically at you than a TV interview would be.]

@Tiffanyrocks I'll meet you by the fountain at 2.

[Why am I being subjected to your private plan-making?  Why can't you just communicate with your friends via text message?]

@Wendywoo oh I so KNOW.

[Really?  Cuz I don't.]

And seriously, that is like 90% of the stuff on my Twitter feed. 

But I know other people like Twitter a lot, so I continually try to get on there and figure out what all the fuss is about.  Except, each time I send out a tweet, it feels like when your grandmother tries to send an email.  Every step feels so scary and momentous.  Did I say the right thing?  Push the right buttons? 

And now, somewhat ironically, I am going to go pimp this post on Twitter.  Do you think anybody on there will want to read a post about how I hate Twitter? 

P.S. Not that you'll want to, but you can follow me at @sameoldshannon.