Sob story

"If you bungle raising your children, I don't think what else you do matters very much."
--Jacqueline Kennedy


"Well, shit."
--Me

Yesterday was one of those days where I just felt like a failure on every front. 

The day started with Nathan's parent-teacher conference.  I had been nervous about it for weeks.  On the drive over, I considered asking Bill if he was nervous, but I knew he'd say no.  Nathan's performance at school was not going to make or break Bill; he has a job and all kinds of other arenas in which to judge his self-worth.  I, on the other hand, have Nathan (and possibly a little-known blog).  Nathan's parent-teacher conference was, in essence, my annual employee evaluation. 

Let me pause and say that judging yourself based on the performance of your child is destined to be fraught with disappointment.  There is no way to objectively say that you are a "good" or "bad" mother based on your child's performance.  There are too many dimensions on which to evaluate a child, and no objective way to measure them.  Every child has imperfections, and those imperfections vary by age and by day.  And while the world generally shares a common set of core values we'd like to instill in our children -- don't steal, don't harm others -- as parents we vary on some of the finer points of what makes a "good" child.  Plus, ultimately, the point of parenting, and of the parent-teacher conference, is to discuss ways in which we can work to raise the best possible human being, not to tell parents how awesome and perfect their children already are. 

Anyway.  At the conference, Nathan's teacher showed us his little preschool "report card," where various tasks and behaviors were rated with a G for good or a W for "working on."  He mostly got Gs, and he got Ws in using scissors, gripping a pencil properly, singing, not interrupting, and sharing -- all of which are age-appropriate challenges, according to his teacher. 

Except.  What really made me sad was, he got a W in "I am happy and cheerful at school."  I know my kid can kind of be a grouch, and often has a front of unhappiness or at least indifference.  I'll say, "Did you have fun at such-and-such activity?" and he will say no.  I know he is just putting up that front, though.  But I am sad that he's unhappy.  Having battled depression like I have, I know my child's unhappiness sets off all kinds of alarms in my head. 

I know he isn't depressed.  He has way too much energy to be depressed.  He just likes to put up a silly exterior of grouchiness, much like he likes to make up false reports about some hideous school behavior that obviously didn't actually happen.  Maybe it's some kind of comedic act, like Lewis Black. 

Anyway, after the conference the day kind of went poorly.  By the end of the day I was sobbing about how fat I am, how poorly I eat, how I don't exercise enough, how I need to get a job because I'm a waste of space, blah, blah, blah whatever.  And then, as usual, we had a bedtime battle with Nathan, which just sent me into a spiral of No wonder he's so crabby at school, we can't get him to go to bed at a decent hour OMG I'm such a failure. 

Let me say that the weather here has been beyond depressing.  I read that it has rained a total of 20 out of 28 days in April, and even when it's not raining it's dark and gray.  This lack of sunlight is bad enough in January, but by April it just becomes unacceptable.  Nathan is stir-crazy.  I have given up trying to find him some sort of indoor entertainment, so sick am I of all the places we went to all winter. 

Bottom line, I spent the evening eating fruit snacks and peanut butter straight out of the jar.

But today?  Today is a brand-new day.  I got a good night's sleep, after having cried myself to sleep (a classic I haven't visited in a long time).  I know my problems are minimal, and I can name people I know with legitimate problems right now. 

Anyway, the sun is shining today.  Today is a new day.