Big Apple Red

Moe: Yeah, hey, I've got a gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching and I -- the feeling is undescribable.

Homer: I know what you mean. Our dog had that.

--The Simpsons, Season 11, Episode 16, "Pygmoelian"

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So, last night was opening night of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, and it opened to critical acclaim. Critical acclaim such as:

"Servant #1, you missed your cue again!" --Pat, Assistant Director

"Mommy, please don't wear that old lady mask around me, it's scary." -- Nathan

"Okay, the fire's out, and you can go back in the building now." -- Firefighter

Yes, that's right, at our final dress rehearsal there was a small electrical fire. Director Dawn very calmly told everybody to get out of the building. Nathan was at rehearsal with me, and it was one of those primal mothering moments where the only thing you care about in the entire world is getting your child to safety.

Not that I knocked over anybody else's children or anything in my quest to get Nathan out. I did knock over a folding chair, because it was dark, but for the most part everybody was cooperative and orderly. And it wasn't like we were frantically scrambling to get out as flames lapped at our backs. A small electrical box slowly melted in the corner, that's it. The worst part of the whole thing was that it stank like nobody's business.

However, it was enough to get the whole cast riled up before the show. At least three of the seven dwarfs were crying, and the tweens in the cast responded to the crisis by ... updating their Facebook statuses and sending texts! Texts that said things like, "I almost died!" I'd call them drama queens, but that kind of goes without saying since they're community theater participants.

Anyway, we all survived the tragic inferno and made it to opening night. Here I am before the show waiting in one of the folding chairs, all of which had been righted after the fire evacuation.

Photo credit: Random little girl who said, "Can I take a picture with your phone?"

I wasn't nervous. I was nervous in the last show because I wrote the jokes and I was worried nobody would laugh at them. Somebody else wrote this show, and if nobody laughed at the jokes, that was his problem. I've also learned that no matter who wrote the jokes, you can't hear the audience laughing anyway. I'm not sure how stand-up comics know what jokes get laughter, except that perhaps stand-up comics might perform in theaters with better acoustics. You know, theaters that don't double as basketball courts.

Anyway, the show went fine. I did okay with my lines, as in I didn't draw a total blank and forget any of them. The dwarfs hammed it up, and their parents loved them, and nothing caught on fire. So it was a good night.

We have one more show Sunday afternoon, and since people I know are actually coming to that one, I'm pretty sure that will be the show where I screw up.

I am having fun, though. As dumb as it sounds coming from a grown adult in a community theater show with a bunch of kids, I like the part at the end where you get to take a bow. That's fun. Also I get a t-shirt.

BTW the title of this post is the color of nail polish I'm wearing. I liked the idea of something with the word "apple" in it, since it's Snow White and all.