Roses I bought at Costco yesterdaySo. I finished the first draft of my script for the Salute to Tony Winners show. I tried to make it a nice mix of goofiness, interesting facts, sarcasm, and just general introductory information. One thing I realized, after researching a lot of musicals, is that a common theme in these shows is Nazis. Also, the Great Depression. And cross-dressing. Overall, most of the shows have a message of being true to yourself. Which is a good thing. Unless you're a Nazi.
I feel a little bit better having gotten that script done. I was stressed out about that. The next nagging task in my life is getting my house under control. I hate clutter. Like, hate it to the point that the presence of clutter makes me truly unhappy. And right now my house has a combination of post-trip and post-holiday stuff that just needs to get put away. And all around that stuff is the usual stuff like laundry and dishes. And I just feel like I get an area cleared out, only to come back 15 minutes later to find that area all cluttered up again.
So with the script done, I embarked on a clutter-cleaning mission, but I got overwhelmed after about an hour and had to stop. I popped in a movie for Nathan and went upstairs to lie down for a little bit. It felt like my head was spinning, more figuratively than literally. I just wanted all the sounds in the world to stop, including those in my own head. (No, I don't hear voices. I'm just talking about the cacophony of thoughts that swirl around in my brain.)
And then I thought, I need to give myself a break. So often I beat myself up for getting stressed out by my simple life of one kid and no job. I say, I don't have a right to feel overwhelmed. But this morning it occurred to me that I have a lot going on. Most of the stuff I have going on is stuff I voluntarily choose to do, like performing in a show or taking Nathan to ice skating. Those activities are good for me, and enjoyable, but nonetheless they are time- and energy-consuming. Sometimes I can't do everything.
I also need to give myself a break because this is a tough time of year for me. It's a tough time of year for most people, because it's cold and dark and we're all stuck indoors. Also, and there's no way to talk about this without ragging on my husband a little, early January is pretty tough because it's when my husband camps out in the house for weeks while grading last semester's finals. I think most of my friends would agree that marriage works better when husband and wife aren't together 24/7. I have my daily routines, and sometimes I feel like he gets in my way a little bit. I feel like Nathan and I have to get out of the house as much as possible, and that's tiring, too.
I get stressed feeling like I have to be chipper and happy when I'm around people. Nobody likes a big downer. But sometimes I want to say, "Look, I'm exhausted. I'm overwhelmed. I have questionable mental health. I just want to sit here quietly and not talk, or maybe I do want to talk, but not about things that make me more stressed out."
I developed a mental health scale awhile back, which goes from -10 to 10. If you're at -10, you want to kill yourself, and you better get yourself some help now. I have never been as low as -10 (knock on wood). I'd say at my very worst, I was maybe at -8. If you get all the way to +10, it is like the happiest day of your life. Like, you're at Disneyland, and you're actually enjoying Disneyland, and not all I'm at Disneyland I should be happier but OMG these lines and WTF do you mean it's $8.50 for popcorn?
The thing is, if you choose to take antidepressant medication, as I have, the goal of medication shouldn't be to get you to +10. It should be to get you to 0. Zero. Normal. The sad things make you sad and the happy things make you happy. And you have an appropriate level of happy or sad, given the external stimuli. So, for example, you are not all, Oh shoot, I have that yoga class next week, I must find my yoga mat, oh crap why is life so hard all the time? (Hypothetical example, of course.)
Right now, I'd say I'm operating at maybe a -2. Which is pretty good, considering I was at about -5 two days ago. I'm not making any promises like I'll be fine by the weekend or anything like that, because life doesn't work like that, and those kinds of goals just stress me out worse.
Instead of setting goals, I'm just gonna give myself a break today. I feels selfish and overly-indulgent to actually be telling myself to be kinder and gentler to myself. But this is one of those "sometimes it takes being smacked to the very core of your existence to realize you need to make some changes in your life" situations. If all I do is beat myself up all the time, and the result is being depressed, then beating myself up all the time may not be working for me. (Shocking, I know.)
I just want to close by saying that I love you guys. I love you for reading and commenting and making me feel better about myself. I hope I'm returning the favor sometimes. I'm glad you're my friends, even those of you I've never met.
I feel a little bit better having gotten that script done. I was stressed out about that. The next nagging task in my life is getting my house under control. I hate clutter. Like, hate it to the point that the presence of clutter makes me truly unhappy. And right now my house has a combination of post-trip and post-holiday stuff that just needs to get put away. And all around that stuff is the usual stuff like laundry and dishes. And I just feel like I get an area cleared out, only to come back 15 minutes later to find that area all cluttered up again.
So with the script done, I embarked on a clutter-cleaning mission, but I got overwhelmed after about an hour and had to stop. I popped in a movie for Nathan and went upstairs to lie down for a little bit. It felt like my head was spinning, more figuratively than literally. I just wanted all the sounds in the world to stop, including those in my own head. (No, I don't hear voices. I'm just talking about the cacophony of thoughts that swirl around in my brain.)
And then I thought, I need to give myself a break. So often I beat myself up for getting stressed out by my simple life of one kid and no job. I say, I don't have a right to feel overwhelmed. But this morning it occurred to me that I have a lot going on. Most of the stuff I have going on is stuff I voluntarily choose to do, like performing in a show or taking Nathan to ice skating. Those activities are good for me, and enjoyable, but nonetheless they are time- and energy-consuming. Sometimes I can't do everything.
I also need to give myself a break because this is a tough time of year for me. It's a tough time of year for most people, because it's cold and dark and we're all stuck indoors. Also, and there's no way to talk about this without ragging on my husband a little, early January is pretty tough because it's when my husband camps out in the house for weeks while grading last semester's finals. I think most of my friends would agree that marriage works better when husband and wife aren't together 24/7. I have my daily routines, and sometimes I feel like he gets in my way a little bit. I feel like Nathan and I have to get out of the house as much as possible, and that's tiring, too.
I get stressed feeling like I have to be chipper and happy when I'm around people. Nobody likes a big downer. But sometimes I want to say, "Look, I'm exhausted. I'm overwhelmed. I have questionable mental health. I just want to sit here quietly and not talk, or maybe I do want to talk, but not about things that make me more stressed out."
I developed a mental health scale awhile back, which goes from -10 to 10. If you're at -10, you want to kill yourself, and you better get yourself some help now. I have never been as low as -10 (knock on wood). I'd say at my very worst, I was maybe at -8. If you get all the way to +10, it is like the happiest day of your life. Like, you're at Disneyland, and you're actually enjoying Disneyland, and not all I'm at Disneyland I should be happier but OMG these lines and WTF do you mean it's $8.50 for popcorn?
The thing is, if you choose to take antidepressant medication, as I have, the goal of medication shouldn't be to get you to +10. It should be to get you to 0. Zero. Normal. The sad things make you sad and the happy things make you happy. And you have an appropriate level of happy or sad, given the external stimuli. So, for example, you are not all, Oh shoot, I have that yoga class next week, I must find my yoga mat, oh crap why is life so hard all the time? (Hypothetical example, of course.)
Right now, I'd say I'm operating at maybe a -2. Which is pretty good, considering I was at about -5 two days ago. I'm not making any promises like I'll be fine by the weekend or anything like that, because life doesn't work like that, and those kinds of goals just stress me out worse.
Instead of setting goals, I'm just gonna give myself a break today. I feels selfish and overly-indulgent to actually be telling myself to be kinder and gentler to myself. But this is one of those "sometimes it takes being smacked to the very core of your existence to realize you need to make some changes in your life" situations. If all I do is beat myself up all the time, and the result is being depressed, then beating myself up all the time may not be working for me. (Shocking, I know.)
I just want to close by saying that I love you guys. I love you for reading and commenting and making me feel better about myself. I hope I'm returning the favor sometimes. I'm glad you're my friends, even those of you I've never met.
4 comments:
That's awesome that you finished your script! Sending a hug -- Hope you feel good soon.
I totally understand what you're saying about the "I don't have a right to feel stressed." I have been pretty depressed for months over what even I would term as being "not real problems." Still, when you're functioning at a -2 (or -4-5, as I would say I am right now,) it's tough, no matter what.
Thanks for writing, it is so good to feel that I'm not alone. As far as I'm concerned we're basically besties, and I've never even met you. So that's awesome.
((Hugs)))
Shannon,
I love your blog. I can't begin to tell you how comforting it is to know that I am not alone in the way I feel. There are times that I feel as if you have taken the thoughts from out of my head and put them in your blog. Thank you for sharing your life with us.
-Emily
Hey Shannon. I think you are downright courageous to share your journey with such brutal honesty. You are funny, witty and obviously an excellent writer (I just always knew that Ms Verdi would always select your essays as the sample for excellence and I was always envious). I love reading your blog and you actually inspired me to start my own. You can check it out here if you like: http://runwrite.tumblr.com/.
Keep your head up!
Claudia
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