And in the Formal Wear Competition ...

So, my show is on Thursday.

On Monday, I was informed that my official costume for the show should be an "evening gown." Because, you know, I have a bunch of those lying around.

I mean, the deal is that the show is a salute to Tony winners, and the other emcee and I are supposed to be like presenters on an awards show. You know, like the presenters who are mega-celebs and have stylists who dress them and jewelry companies that loan them stuff?

Fortunately I have my bridesmaid dress from Gracie's wedding, as seen in this post. Finally an opportunity to reuse a bridesmaid dress! And it's strapless and satin and puffy, so it sort of looks like something an awards show presenter might wear. You know, if awards shows presenters shopped at David's Bridal.

Problem #1: Despite the fact that the wedding was only 9 months ago, the dress is already too small for me. I hear celebrities coat their skin in hemorrhoid cream and wrap themselves in cellophane to sweat out the water weight before the big awards shows. Seeing as I need my body to have some water content in order to perform the basic functions of everyday life, it was 0ff to Target to buy off-brand Spanx.

Problem #2: I wanted to add the detachable straps that came with the dress, but I think I threw them away. This would be another example of when it would be useful to be a hoarder. So I went to Joann's to buy some ribbon to make straps, and, under the harsh stage lights, it will probably be glaringly obvious that the ribbon doesn't match the dress perfectly.
Problem #2a: I can't sew. So I bought some stick-on Velcro dots to attach the straps. And,
believe me, that top is so tight nothing's gonna slip out.

Problem #3: Formal dresses look better with high-heeled shoes, but due to comfort and fear-of-tripping issues, I want to wear flats. So I'm wearing some bronze ballet flats I already have in my closet.

Problem #4: How should I wear my hair so it looks appropriately fancy with a formal dress? It's not like I want to go to the salon and pay all kinds of money to have my hair done, especially because I already spent that money on restrictive undergarments. So I found this thing that's sort of like a Bump-It, except when I tried it on I looked so stupid. I think because I didn't tease my hair like the instructions said. What does teasing even mean? Isn't that, like, intentionally introducing tangles into your hair? Why would anybody do that? And can I do it with the little baby comb that came in Nathan's "welcome baby" kit? Because that's the only comb I have. Oh and also, I had to buy hair spray, and I don't think I've used hair spray since the big bangs era of the late 1980s. I scoured the hairspray aisle, and they have some fancy kinds with names like Cray-Z-High that cost like $13.99. I went with old-school Aqua Net for $1.94. It's a tribute to the musical Hairspray, which is featured in the show.

Problem #5: I have no accessories to go with formal wear. So often I'm in stores, seeing big dangling, sparkly earrings and thinking, you know, those just wouldn't really go with my everyday attire. And then today I was in Target (which, surprisingly, is not the place to shop for formal wear), and I couldn't find any earrings that even remotely resembled a wall of diamonds or a chandelier. And I finally found an earring/necklace set, a sort of nice, understated cubic zirconia ensemble, and it was effing $29.99. But by then I was so frazzled, it was like Christmas shopping on Dec. 23. I don't care what it costs, I just want to buy it and get out of here.

Problem #6: I must have been absent the day they taught makeup application at Girl School. Like, eyeliner? Forget it. And what are all these other weird products like eyeshadow base and cheek highlighter? Plus today I thought, for approximately the 15th time in my life, that it might be fun to try to wear red lipstick. Here is the path that all red lipstick takes in my life: Target shelf --> Target cart --> Target bag --> my lips --> garbage. I always want to get that cute, just-licked-a-cherry-popsicle look from red lipstick. Instead I just look like a crazy person.

I think I may have spent more time, money, and effort preparing for this show than I did for my own wedding.

Oh and I'm told for this show, there is going to be an actual red carpet. I'm pretty sure the commentators from E! are going to be there. And I'm sure I'm going to get interviewed during the pre-show:

Ryan Seacrest: Coming down the carpet now, we have Shannon, one of the emcees of tonight's show!
Me: Hey Ryan, I have wanted to punch you ever since you were a DJ back in L.A. on STAR 98.7.
RS: Hahahaha, so are you excited about tonight?
Me: No, seriously, I remember this one particularly disgusting story you told about eating cottage cheese in the men's room.
RS: So, Shannon, who are you wearing tonight?
Me: This is David's Bridal, plus shoes I bought from Target to go with a Halloween costume I wore in 2009. You know, Ryan, the contrast between your teeth and your skin color is disturbingly shocking.
RS: Are you wearing a Bump-It?
Me: No, NO, Ryan, I'll have you know this is a Con-Air Hi-Styles.
RS: Judging from that lipstick, I'll guess you're on a high dose of crazy-person medication.
Me: 30 mg of Prozac, plus 7.5 mg of Deplin. I picked up the prescriptions at Target when I bought the generic Spanx I'm wearing.
RS: You know, that dress doesn't really fit, and those earrings don't look like they cost more than the average American house.
Me: True on both counts.
RS: Well, have a great night!
Me: You're really short.

Although if I'm nicer to Ryan, maybe he'll introduce me to Joel McHale.