Weight loss, a preliminary report

Well I lost 7 pounds in my first week back at Weight Watchers. I might be attributing 2 pounds to my change in footwear between the two weigh-ins, but I'm still calling it a victory.

And I'm happy about my weight loss, and I'm even happier when people muster up some enthusiasm about my weight loss. This week's loss has motivated me to keep going, at least for another week.

Except.

I have tried and failed so many times. I've lost and gained these same pounds so many times over and over again. It's hard to get excited. It's hard to want people to get excited for me.

And I have so far to go.

But I do know I can do it. Last night I went out to dinner with some people, and I saved up a whole bunch of points, and then I was so good and I didn't even drink alcohol, and I ordered a salad that barely had any cheese in it. And I went to the gym to burn some of that off.

Every time I do Weight Watchers, I gain some insights. I think this time around, with the new Weight Watchers plan, there is much more emphasis on treating yourself every once in awhile, with the bank of 49 extra bonus points you get every week. In the past, I think the attitude was more, "Oh, sure, those extra points are there, but if you really want to lose weight you might want to skip them." Now the book specifically says that your weight-loss efforts won't be hindered too terribly by using the bonus points, so you should use them.

But ... okay, so here's an embarrassing confession. Even outside of the context of Weight Watchers when people would mention treating yourself, I didn't understand what that meant. I mean seriously, I am an educated person with a pretty decent command of the English language, but I couldn't comprehend treating yourself. I mean, not literally. Obviously I knew the concept of splurging every once in awhile. What I didn't understand was how to figure out when to splurge. Like, okay, I have a dinner out on Friday night, but Saturday we're out doing errands so we're stopping at a drive-thru, and then my husband buys those Tim-Tams from Target ... and it's all splurging. I was always cheating. I couldn't figure out how to budget my food intake.

Now with Weight Watchers, I have a numerical reminder of how to budget. Like, okay, I have these 49 points. I want to use them at a restaurant on such-and-such a day, so that means no using them for stupid crap at home, and if I find myself going to McDonald's for their oh-so-convenient indoor playground, I can get a salad.

Anyway, what I want to say is that I'm overwhelmed and motivated and just a teeny-tiny bit more educated.

I also want to tell you that I'm typing this post while making breakfast-for-dinner, which is a very stove-oriented food preparation, and for crying out loud my stupid fat stomach sticks out so far while I'm cooking that I continually burn it on the edge of the stove (it's an electric range). Seriously, I have a bunch of burn scars that form little lines parallel to my c-section scar.

So, really, I think my first weight-loss goal should be to shrink my stomach to a point where I don't burn it every time I make pancakes.

But also, I want to get to a point where there are some modern, normal styles of clothing for women that look okay on me. I know I won't look good in some wacky cutting-edge look that only looks good on skinny little models, and honestly my current lifestyle doesn't really necessitate cutting-edge dress. But I just want to go to Target and look at a damn cardigan and not think my arms will look like sausages in it.

I think that's something that the naturally thin probably don't understand: when you are overweight, the issue of weight enters into your thoughts no matter what the topic. Like, Oh, So-and-So got engaged. I guess I have to go to her wedding. What the hell can I wear that won't make me look fat? Or, I'd like to apply for that job, but will the interviewer look down on me for being overweight? And my all-time-favorite: Oh crap, the weather is warming up, now I have to wear shorts/a skirt/something that shows my legs.

And before you think I'm raging against the naturally thin, let me tell you something I've learned about the naturally thin lately. I used to think that when it came to metabolism, there were winners and losers in the genetic lottery. There were some people who were just born lucky and could eat anything they wanted and not gain weight, and there were some of us who could just eat an apple and get fat. It just wasn't fair.

And really, I think to some degree genetics will always play a role in metabolism. There are some people who are luckier than others when it comes to their natural weights.

Let me repeat that. There are some people who are luckier than others when it comes to their natural weights. I have absolutely no doubt that body type is genetic.

However. Recently I have started to notice that naturally thin people have different eating habits than I do. Some of them seem to have some level of self-control around food that I do not have. For example, recently I saw a naturally thin person sit in front of a tray of cupcakes and not eat one. That would just never happen with me. And sometimes I see thin people who take like three chip (pretzels, crackers, etc.) out of a community bowl and then call it quits. I don't do that either. If the bowl is in front of me, I will keep eating out of it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I accept some level of personal responsibility for my weight predicament. And when I get down sometimes because I'm at a birthday party and all the skinny moms are having a piece of cake while I gnaw on a carrot, I have to tell myself that the skinny moms probably didn't down an entire box of Wheat Thins, straight out of the box, because they were bored one night.

My new mantra is, Because I have made poor choices in the past, I will make good choices in the present.