There's always some reason to feel not good enough

First of all, I want to thank you all for your kind words yesterday. I know I've said it before, but it always helps to know you aren't the only one who feels that way.

I want to give two shout-outs to yesterday's commenters:

First, to Andrea, who said I inspired her to write a blog! So after you're done reading this, read Andrea's blog!

Second, to Emily, who said some very sweet stuff and who brilliantly said: "I feel like I don't have the right to complain bc I just have one [child] and feel, not "mom enough". Emily, you put into words exactly how I feel. I feel like I'm not in the mom club because I'm not frazzled and being tugged at by multiple little beings all day (unless you count the cat).

But Emily's comment, and the post she commented on, made me think about how it's not just about the kid; I have always thought I wasn't good enough. Like, it goes way back.

Yes, I got straight A's in high school, but I told myself that it was because I didn't go to a very good high school. (And I realize some people from my HS read this blog, and don't be offended because those were the words of a crazy person, and Bulldogs rule!)

Then in college I graduated with highest honors, but I downplayed it by saying it was only a second-tier state school, not like the crazy-hard prestigious school my friend and chief competitor attended. This inadequacy was largely influenced by that friend saying that she graduated with a poor GPA because the classes at her school were so hard, and that at her college the average grade people get is a C. Let me note that the average grade is always a C in any class, but that knowledge didn't stop me from feeling pathetic about my accomplishments. I figured I'd probably get a C in a class at a good college. (And again, college classmates, don't listen to me. Go Gauchos!)

Out in the real world, accomplishments are harder to quantify, but I still managed to find a way to downplay all of my achievements. Or to flat-out beat myself up for some minor shortcoming. When I was a teacher, hoo boy, there were opportunities up the wazoo to feel like crap. You take the collective thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of a class of irrational children, their parents, administrators, and the community at large, and you're always going to find something that went wrong.

I went to work in the private sector after that, and the drama died way down, thank God, but at that point I started to feel like I hadn't done enough because I wasn't popping out the kids yet. I'm not allowed to feel tired or stressed or frazzled. I'm not a mom yet. When I'm a mom, I'll get it.

Except, now I'm a mom, and I feel not good enough because I only have one kid. Other moms are always saying, "Oh, you just wait 'til you have two, it makes having one look like a walk in the park." And honestly, I don't feel like I am walking in any park. I feel like this is hard. With one. And no job. But I'm not allowed to complain.

And if I'm not going to pop out another kid, shouldn't I at least be working? Shouldn't I have some fabulous, write-my-own-ticket, SAHM/WAHM/PT hybrid career cobbled together? The kind that makes me creatively fulfilled and basking in the glow of work-life balance? (Even though I know that kind of balance is a myth, at least in terms of its ability to exist every single minute of every single day.)

Shouldn't I, if I'm only going to have one kid, be giving him undivided attention day in and day out, playing with him? Doing flashcards with him? Feeding him all organic, healthful, homemade food? Shouldn't my house be cleaner? Shouldn't I have enough energy to stay awake to watch one TV show with my husband? (Though, in my defense, who wouldn't fall asleep during an endless stream of shows about poker?)

Shouldn't my house be cleaner? Shouldn't my laundry be done? Shouldn't I ...

It could go on forever. And no matter what I do, it won't be good enough. When I worked part-time, I felt like I wasn't good enough because I didn't work full-time. I know I could have another kid and I'd still feel inadequate. I know because people I know who seem to be doing it all, the multiple kids and the career and the whatever, and they still tell me they feel like they aren't doing enough.

Thanks a lot, Society. I'm blaming my problems on you.

And while I can't so much give up my tendency to feel inadequate in the blink of an eye, I do think I've reached a big step in terms of my awareness of this tendency. It occurs to me that I'm so overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I feel like I should do, that I just don't do anything. If I'm never going to do enough, why do anything at all?

Yes, I dream of having this fulfilling career as some kind of writer, but what do I ever write? (I mean, besides this blog?) I am a writer for Technorati, but until today I hadn't written anything in 2011. I see other opportunities to write, like this one, and I am just too overwhelmed to try. Where will that get me? It won't get me where I feel like I should be, because where I feel like I should be is impossible to get to. Even if I get there, I will tell myself I need to get farther.

It's like the Olympic motto is constantly running through my subconscious: Citius, Altius, Fortius.

Faster, higher, stronger.

But yesterday it occurred to me that I don't have to do everything. I just have to do something.

The first something I decided to do was restart Weight Watchers. In a way, my weight loss predicament is sort of a metaphor for my overall frustrations. I have so far to go with my weight loss, I figure why bother at all? Except, doesn't it feel better to be at least trying to do something than to sit around and feel angry?

Thus far, my current Weight Watchers foray has included looking up information on the new program (because, dammit, they changed it a lot) and the meeting schedule. I haven't really officially started yet, because I just decided to yesterday, and today's meeting schedule didn't work for me. But really, I'm gonna go tomorrow. Really, I promise.

I also did sit down and write that article for Technorati. I wrote an article about a study that found that antidepressants are over-prescribed. Not surprisingly, I was unhappy about the message this study sends.

You can read my Technorati article here.

But first go read Andrea's blog!