For the rest of us

As you know, I'm trying to add a little holiday diversity to my blog. And since I probably won't be invited to any Kwanzaa parties, I thought I'd put up a post celebrating my favorite Seinfeld-based holiday, Festivus!

For those who don't know about Festivus, please go grab yourself a blanket because it was probably pretty cold under that rock. Then read this history of Festivus from Festivus inventor, Frank Costanza:

FRANK: Kramer, I got your message. I haven't celebrated Festivus in years! What is your interest?

KRAMER: Well, just tell me everything, huh?

FRANK: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows opon him, I realized there had to be another way!

KRAMER: What happened to the doll?

FRANK: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!"

KRAMER: That musta been some kind of doll.

FRANK: She was.

--From Seinfeld Season 9, Episode 10, "The Strike"

In actuality, Festivus was not invented by Frank Costanza (who was fictional), but by the family of Seinfeld writer Daniel O'Keefe. I learned this from watching the special features on the Seinfeld DVDs, but it's confirmed here on this Wikipedia entry. The Wikipedia entry also states that the O'Keefe family actually celebrated Festivus in February, but it is now officially celebrated December 23.

The only Festivus decoration is an aluminum pole. In doing "research" for this post, I discovered a website that is solely devoted to selling Festivus poles. Here's a picture I stole from that site of some service men and women celebrating with their Festivus pole:


Another fun fact I learned from Wikipedia:

In 2008 and 2009, a Festivus pole was erected in the rotunda of the Illinois Capitol building located in Springfield, Illinois. In 2008, the handle of a pool cleaner was erected by 18 year old student, Mike Tennenhouse, who along with Governor Rod Blagojevich began "airing grievances" on behalf of the people of Illinois. The 2009 display was an unadorned aluminum pole.

I love my home state! And in 2008, I'm thinking the people of Illinois had several grievances to air about Rod Blagojevich. (Also funny, a guy named Rod putting up a pole.)

So, besides the pole, the other Festivus traditions are: (1) The Feats of Strength, and (2) The Airing of the Grievances.

I'm going to be performing the Feats of Strength today at the gym with my trainer. And so that leaves The Airing of the Grievances.

To quote Frank Costanza, "I got a lot of problems with you people!"

No, not you. Other people. And some of my grievances aren't about people at all. Here you go, my list of grievances:

1. Winter: Yeah, I know, way to take a stand. I know it's December, and I know I live in Chicago, but each year I forget just how big of a hassle winter is. This year we had a nice, long fall, but then winter came from outta nowhere. Now I hear things like, "Tonight's overnight low is 2 degrees." Two. And do you know what a big pain everything is in the winter? Anybody looking for a stress-inducing activity for some kind of psychological experiment should have subjects put gloves on toddlers. Plus this kid takes off his coat the second we get in the car or inside a building. Statements such as, "You don't need to take that off, we're only going to be in this store for five minutes," are completely lost on him.

2. Holiday-related Bitchiness: The other day I witnessed two women having words at Target over a misunderstanding about who was first in line. And then there are the annoying, impatient honkers on the road. The closer it gets to Christmas, the angrier everybody gets. Way to get in the spirit, people.

3. The Three-Year-Old Phase: Blogger of awesomeness Ask Moxie suggests that when your child is going through a particularly stressful phase (a phase known as "childhood"), you love the child but hate the phase. So, Three can suck it. Does getting one drop of water on your pants warrant a high-pitched, glass-shattering scream? In the car?

4. Sanctimommies: I don't want to hear that your child never had a drop of formula. La-di-frickin-da. Ditto to, "My kids have only been out to breakfast once." And don't brag about how awesome your homeschool lesson was, or loudly announce at the library that your kids should get books for your new unit on thus-and-so, because I know you're just talking loud enough so I can hear and (hopefully) be impressed with you. Please get a life of your own.

5. Myself: So, speaking of breastfeeding, I wrote this article on Technorati about how I think people who use Facebook to trade breastmilk might be "breast is best" gone too far. I personally would not feed my baby the bodily fluid of strangers on the Internet. But the thing is, I knew people would disagree, and when I wrote the article I was all excited about creating a minor stir. However, when the comments came out, I was sad and offended. So this grievance is for myself for being too thin-skinned.

6. Electrical Appliances: Quit breaking.

7. People who talk about "The War on Christmas": Please celebrate your own holiday and let others do the same.

8. Laundry: Why is there so much of you? In college I did like two small loads a week, if that. Now I'm doing a load every other day in my "canyon capacity" washing machine. (It actually has that label.) How can one tiny family wear so many clothes. And then you have to fold the clothes, and put them away. How has there been no technology invented that can automatically fold clothes and put them away? It's the 21st century. We're cloning sheep.

Wow, that's only 8 minor grievances. I guess things are going pretty well for me.

It's a Festivus Miracle!