Thursday, April 1, 2010

My BIG Revelation: I should be grateful for what I have

Today is the first day of April NaBloPoMo, the theme of which is "Big." All my posts this month will have the word Big in the title.

Last week was a tough week, husband-wise. The week before last, Bill had been on spring break, so he was home during some of the days and all of the evenings for dinner. Then last week, Bill was back to teaching his night classes, plus he had two conferences, one in Detroit on Monday and one in Austin from Thursday through Saturday. So Nathan and I were home alone every night except Tuesday.

On Wednesday I was over at my friend's house. Promptly at 6 p.m., her husband came home, immediately grabbed the baby for a bath, and simultaneously cooked dinner. Meanwhile, Nathan and I were leaving their house, going home for yet another night without our father and husband.

I felt sorry for myself. I felt jealous that my friend had a new baby and I didn't. I felt sorry that my husband wasn't as hands-on as her husband was.

On the drive home, I looked at my sweet little monkey in the rearview mirror. I realized that by feeling sorry that I didn't have another baby, I was not at all appreciating the perfect little guy that I already have. It was like, "Look, Mommy feels like she has to have another baby to check off the next thing on her life checklist. You don't matter. You were my item I checked off 3 years ago."

This made me realize that I also spend a lot of mental energy putting my husband down for what he doesn't do. It's true that he doesn't make dinner ever. He doesn't wash dishes. He doesn't ... oh crap, I can't even think of a third thing he doesn't do, which proves that he's a pretty good guy but prevents me from making a valid point, because a valid point needs at least 3 arguments.

Oh, I got one. He doesn't come home before 7:30 p.m. most nights, and he's out of town a lot. But the reality is, that's because he has enjoyed success in his career. He says if he won the lottery, he would still do his job. (Something I have never, ever been able to say about any job I've ever had.) And the fact that he's gone a lot is an honor because he has been asked to speak at all these professional conferences.

And he does take Nathan to the potty or give him a bath when I ask. Sure, I would love a husband who didn't have to be asked, but ...

But actually, I am kind of thinking I have a strong enough independent streak that I wouldn't like a husband who was all up in the details of my life. (No, this does not mean I'm keeping secrets from him. When I say details, I really mean details. Like laundry.)

Point is, I think our marriage works for us. He has his activities and I have mine, and we come together and do things together when we can. And maybe the fact that we're both a little frazzled means that we shouldn't have another baby, but the one we have is adorable. And he's getting old enough that we have more freedom now that we're not in baby jail.

So it's time I stop thinking about what I don't have and start appreciating what I do have. Now if only I could move toward body acceptance. That's a big issue for another day.

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