Stuff in the Media: Mormon Mom Blogs

I am fascinated by Mormonism.  Now, let me make it clear that I am not now, nor have I ever been, nor do I ever want to be, a member of the Mormon church.  But growing up on the west coast, having a lot of Mormon classmates and teammates (swimming is big with white people, most Mormons are white, and there's some overlap in the Venn diagram there, I guess), I somehow learned enough about the religion that a co-worker once labeled me the "resident Mormon expert" at my old office.  (This co-worker had just returned from a convention in Salt Lake City, and she had some follow-up questions about Mormon culture.) 

And, addressing the elephant that exists in the virtual room I'm sharing with those readers who knew me back in the day, let me confess that I did, for a long period of time in college, have a Mormon boyfriend.  (It's okay, Bill knows.  He and I are okay with occasionally discussing relationships that ended long ago, long before we even met each other.)  So, very much Mormonism has been foisted upon me, and that's how I became the resident Mormon expert at my office.  Of course, I have also sought out additional information about the church, including reading Mormon mom blogs. 

But I casually observe Mormonism from a sociological and anthropological standpoint, not from an I'd really like to join this church standpoint.  It's an interesting religion because church culture permeates so many areas of its members' daily lives.  Which is probably a statement you can make about a lot of religions, but with Mormonism, I don't know, somehow it's different.  For one thing, Mormonism is a relatively new religion, so there aren't thousands of years of culture behind it like with, say, Judaism.  This newness makes Mormonism much less familiar to the rest of us, and all the more intriguing.

Also, with most religions, followers can pick and choose which practices they follow.  I mean, yes, all Catholics, for example, have the same basic core beliefs, but not all of them observe the practices regarding meat on Fridays, and not all of them go to mid-week Mass.  Some don't even go to church at all, but still consider themselves members of the religion.

But with Mormons, although there are a few who pick and choose their practices, for the most part it's in for a penny, in for a pound.  They all go to church and classes for three hours on Sunday.  They observe Family Home Evening.  They all wear the special undergarments.  They don't drink coffee or alcohol, and they don't watch R-rated movies.  And there seems to be very strong cultural pressure within the church to marry young, have babies young, and worry about everything else later.  Additionally, to the outside observer, at least, it seems like there is a lot of pressure for mothers to stay home with their children, rather than working outside the home.

So when you have this clearly-defined, separate cultural group, living right here among us, it's easy for us to be intrigued.  And people are intrigued by Mormons.  So much so that Newsweek recently declared this:

Between Mormon candidate Mitt Romney's success, less-successful Mormon candidate Jon Huntsman, and the hit Broadway musical The Book of Mormon, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is getting more publicity than ever.

Let me just say that I think the South Park episode that inspired The Book of Mormon musical has the right idea about Mormonism, in my opinion.  Yes, many aspects of Mormonism seem strange or even illogical to us outsiders.  But ultimately the religion has made many people happy, and its followers are kind and successful, so you can't knock it there.  (I can, however, knock it for its huge contributions to the Yes on Prop. 8 campaign in California, which sought to outlaw gay marriage.  I also don't like the fact that women are not equals in the church clergy, and that women in the church face so much cultural pressure to get married, have babies, and stay home.) 

All of this is a really long introduction to a discussion on an article that my friend Sarah recently brought to my attention, a Salon post called "Why I Can't Stop Reading Mormon Housewife Blogs."  Salon contributor Emily Matchar confesses that, although she is neither a Mormon nor a mom, she is addicted to reading Mormon mom blogs.

It's not that Matchar wants to be a Mormon; she just enjoys the vision of tranquil domestic life that Mormon mom blogs tend to paint.  The mom is always happy and fulfilled in her roles as a mother and wife.  She isn't all angsty about work-life balance like every other woman between the ages of 22 and 50.  She isn't freaking out about money.  She loves her husband more than life itself, they are all truly devoted to one another, and on the weekends they sit around making crafts out of homemade marshmallows. 

Of course, we could very easily have a conversation about how these Mormon mom blogs are all a load of bull.  Maybe these women are brainwashed, or afraid to tell the actual truth.  Maybe they're just making the best of things because, ultimately, they don't really have the freedom of choice that the rest of us have in regards to work and family.  Or maybe they're just happy in their roles as domestic goddesses because there's so much cultural support for them and their life decisions.  No matter what the case, it's hard to imagine that most of the rest of us non-Mormons could adapt the Mormon moms' sense of domestic tranquility to our own lives.  In some ways, we live in different worlds.

But I'm not here to debate whether or not these Mormon mom blogs are honest or realistic.  People like plenty of things that are pretty and happy and unrealistic.  Martha Stewart's whole empire is based on this principle.

And that, really, is my point: Has people's taste in mom blogs shifted to a preference for the perfect, happy domestic life?

When you think about mom blogs, and I mean truly the ones that get labeled as Mom Blogs, not just blogs written by moms trying to share family news and photos with faraway relatives and friends, you think about raw, honest confessions.  And, yes, sometimes this honesty means negativity.  The whole Mom Blog revolution was about mothers who, thanks to the anonymity of the Internet, could confess that they didn't always love motherhood and that they weren't always perfect at it.  And maybe these blogs were the cause of, or the effect of, or just a random coincidence with a whole shift in our expectations of motherhood, a shift to a new thinking that can basically be summed up as Wow, this really sucks sometimes.  

But now Matchar is suggesting a preference for the exact opposite, a mom blog that paints motherhood as idyllic.  And while the preferences of one Salon blogger, and of the people in her anecdotes, do not constitute a cultural revolution, I do think there is some evidence that people prefer a more positive approach to mom blogging.


As evidence, let's look at what is arguably the most popular Mom Blog on the Internet, The Pioneer Woman.  (Some may argue that Dooce is the most popular, but PW has two cookbooks, a memoir, and a movie deal where she'll be played by Reese Witherspoon. )  Pioneer Woman is chock full of beautiful food pictures, recipes, anecdotes about an ideal bucolic life, and adorable love stories.  Sure she's honest about her shortcomings, but she's also put up an image that mostly suggests perfection and happiness.  And people love her.

Even the more realistic, tell-it-like-it-is mom bloggers strive to not be too negative.  Every rant ends with a silver lining, every complaint is tinged with perspective.  Which is how it should be.  Nobody likes a Debbie Downer, and it's ridiculous to suggest that most of our petty first world problems are the worst thing that ever happened to anyone.  Most of us should be counting our blessings every single day, multiple times a day. 

Except, has the pendulum swung too far when we want our mom blogs to depict nothing less than glowingly perfect maternal bliss? 

I, personally, prefer blogs with a more realistic depiction of life.  Sure, I like Martha Stewart.  I read food blogs and occasionally a craft blog or two.  I expect that those blogs are going to be about fun, happy diversions and not about the serious issues in life.  I'm not gonna say, Wow, how come when you wrote about making those pine cone turkeys with your kids, you didn't question your worth to society as a stay-at-home mom?  I realize that food and craft and decorating blogs aren't about those deeper questions and concerns.  They're about sharing hobbies with others who have similar hobbies.

But if your blog purports to be about all aspects of your real life, I have a hard time when you only talk about the good things.  I tend to lose sight of the fact that your life involves struggles and shortcomings and mistakes that aren't depicted in your blog, and so I just constantly wonder why I can't be as perfect as you are.  And then I feel worse about myself.  Whereas I prefer blogs that are going to make me feel better about myself.

So, for now, I'd like to say that my own personal statement is that motherhood and domesticity, like any other occupation or relationship or station in life, is that it is often good but not always good.  It's okay if you're not always happy.  It's okay if you're not perfect.  Because I'm not.