Some Stuff I've Watched on TV Recently

At this point in the world, I think my policy should be that if I don't have a show recorded on my DVR, it's probably not worth watching. 

I seldom follow this policy.  Instead I just turn on the TV and flip around to whatever looks the most watchable out of all the channels in my cable TV lineup.

That's how I got sucked into some crap TV Monday night.  

First I watched the second half of "Top 25 TV Infomercials" on the TV Guide Network.  I'm a sucker for countdown shows.  It's like you just have to stick with them until they get to Number One in the countdown, which inevitably follows a very long string of commercials.  Also the host of this particular countdown was John O'Hurley, who played J. Peterman on Seinfeld, so that sold me on the show right there. 

Now, first off, what qualifies as an "infomercial?"  Because a lot of the products were in the "As Seen on TV" genre, but weren't sold via a 30-minute infomercial, so I don't think they qualified.  And, as a side note, a lot of "As Seen on TV" products are readily available in stores now, so how does that separate them from every other product in the universe that is advertised on TV?

Deep questions, I tell you. 

Anyway, what was sad about the Infomercial Countdown was that I still remembered all the slogans from these ads.  Stop the Insanity!  Set It and Forget It!  Squeeze, Squeeze, Squeeze Your Way to Shapely Hips and Thighs! 

Item #1 on the countdown was The Clapper, which, again, did not have a full-length infomercial devoted to it. 

But can I say something about the Thigh Master?  Back in the mid-90s I used to work in a sporting goods store, and one day I actually fielded the following call:

Me: Thank you for calling Big 5 Sporting Goods, this is Shannon, how may I help you?
Guy on Phone: Yeah, so you know that show that used to be on, about the guy who lived with the two women in the apartment building?
Me: Three's Company?
Guy: Yeah.  So you know that product that the woman from that show advertises on TV, the one with the thighs?
Me: The Thigh Master?
Guy: Yes.  So anyway, I broke my wife's, and I was wondering if you sell them?

Now, at that point I am pretty sure the Thigh Master had been discontinued for safety reasons or something like that, so no, we did not sell them.

Anyway, when that scintillating piece of television was over, I watched Hoarders.  The first woman on the show had inherited a million dollars from some dead relative, and had spent almost all of it on crap she was hoarding.  The best part of the show was that she had about $30,000 worth of checks buried somewhere in the hoard.  At one point her brother asked her why she hadn't just deposited these large checks in the bank when she got them, and she said (get this), "I wanted to deposit them in the bank in another town.  This is a small town, and I don't want everybody up in my business."  I hope nobody in your small town was watching this program on national television, Lady. 

The other hoarder on the episode was so crazy that she blamed all the hoarding on her six children, and said that she hoped that DCFS would deem the home unfit and put the children in foster care "to teach them a lesson."  The husband was a firefighter who knew the house was completely unsafe, but kind of just put up with it.  Why?  Because he was a dimwit.  At one point he said, "I'm starting to think my wife may have some psychological problems." 

Tell me this show isn't scripted. 

After Hoarders I got sucked into some show called Monster In-Laws, which was so stupid that even I couldn't watch it. 

On Tuesday, as if to punish myself for Monday's crap TV-viewing, I forced myself to switch back and forth between Saving Private Ryan on AMC and a documentary about the Holocaust on The History Channel.  Both awful.  The worst part about the Holocaust one was that they had this one survivor from one of the death camps (which I guess were different from the regular concentration camps) who talked about how when you got in there, a Nazi guy politely said, "We're really sorry, but for sanitary reasons everybody has to take a shower," and then told them to leave their clothes in this one room, carefully labeled so they could get them later, and then the victims all cheered for the friendly soldier before going to the gas chamber and auuuggggggggghhhhhhh I just can't.  Horrible, horrible, horrible.  And then, to make it worse, some of the historians on the show shared some photos of the Nazis engaging in leisure activity on their off-time, like at after-work happy hours and whatnot. 

Wednesday I read a book instead of watching TV. 

Thursday is always the good TV night.  I watched my boyfriend Joel McHale on Community, and then Parks & Recreation.  Both are good, but I so miss 30 Rock.  It comes back on January 12, which is also my birthday, so I'm calling it Thirty-Four and 30 Rock!

That concludes this installment of What I Watched on TV This Week.  In my next installment, I get so fed up with the TV that I grab a baseball bat to smash it to shreds, but then get distracted by Top 50 Infomercial Product Hoarders, so I just curl up with my bat and watch it. 

Don't throw away those Ped Eggs!  There could be a horrible winter where we're all forced to walk barefoot in the snow, and then we're gonna need those Ped Eggs!