Stake It!

Ashley is my former college roommate and current friend, and recently she wrote a funny post about "gym rants."  Inspired by Ashley, I thought I'd write my own post about the gym and the annoying things people do there.  

("Stake It!" is a gym catch phrase that giant gay stereotype Jack was trying to popularize on an episode of Will & Grace.)  

First off, there are two particular members of my gym, one man and one woman, who really stink up the place.  Look, I get that it is a gym, and nobody's expecting you to look awesome or be completely sweat-free.  However, that does not mean that you should reek when you come through the door, or that you are allowed to wear clothes that stink even before you start working out.  When the entire room stinks the minute you enter, you have a problem. 

On the flip side, who are these people who wear all kinds of makeup and have perfect hair at the gym?  I'm not talking about people who still look nice because they came straight from work.  I'm talking about people who obviously get all gussied up to go to the gym first thing in the morning. 

Oh and also, speaking of personal grooming, the following grooming is socially acceptable in the locker room: (1) showering, (2) putting on deodorant, (3) drying/brushing your hair, (4) putting on makeup.  Please do not shave your legs at the gym, perform a complete DIY pedicure where you're cutting off dead skin from your cuticles, wax/bleach anything, shave your face (I'm referring to the woman who did this in the women's locker room), or bring in an entire set of hot rollers.  And if you have to bring in some sort of transitional garment like a robe or housecoat to wear between the shower and getting dressed, you are spending too much time on personal grooming in the locker room. 

Please, please, for the love of God, wear a bathing suit in the hot tub.  And if you are going to be completely naked in there, please do not do some sort of weird exercise where you bob up and down so your naked breasts are flopping around all over.  And why is it that the non-bathing-suit-wearing, breast-bobbing people are always the ones who want to talk to you in the hot tub? 

Don't complain about what's on the TV.  If you want to watch a specific program, stay home. 

If you are a group fitness instructor, please don't feel like you are a radio DJ and have to talk constantly on your microphone. 

If you are a group fitness class participant, stop with the damn additional clapping and dancing in a spin class (or in a weight-lifting class, for that matter).  Dancing and clapping in Zumba is encouraged.  Dancing and clapping in spin is distracting to everybody else.  If you have enough energy to dance and clap, you should be pedaling faster. 

And my gym now provides special disposable anti-bacterial wipes in a convenient pop-up dispenser, so if you are still too lazy to wipe down your equipment, you deserve to get kicked out of the gym. 

Plus, to the busybody who reported to the front desk that one window in my car was halfway open, on a completely sunny and warm day with no precipitation of any kind, resulting in some scary cryptic message over the loudspeaker for "the owner of a blue Toyota Corolla parked in the back lot" to please come to the front desk, causing me to take a very panicked walk where I imagined that my car was either on fire or had rolled into another parked car, please mind your own business. 

(That one was probably only applicable to my own particular circumstances.) 

I also don't think, and this is just a general nit-picky thing, that the octogenarians in the cardiac rehab program need to have eight brand-new state-of-the-art treadmills with touch screens and iPod hookups reserved just for them, when they could easily walk 1.5 mph on the old treadmills, and they don't actually know what an iPod is. And I know I'm going to get struck by lightning or something for hating on the elderly, but my point is that I'm tired of being told I can't use those treadmills between the hours of 8 and 12, or between the hours of 1 and 4.  I want them to have treadmills.  I just don't want them to have those treadmills. 

Please don't tell me that you were suuuper concerned about my belongings because I left my locker open for 90 seconds while I went to the bathroom.  Do not proceed to justify this concern because "there was somebody last week in the [insert section of the gym] who had his/her [insert item of value] stolen and [insert shocking turn of events like 'she was standing right there' or 'the surveilance cameras don't film the part of the parking lot where his car was parked.']"  These anecdotes are always completely implausible rumors that you heard through the gossip mill. 

And to the many, many members of my gym who come in, respect other people, clean up after themselves, and don't do stupid stuff like get in fights over who gets to use the lane in the pool, thank you.  You are solidly decent people and it's a pleasure working out alongside you.