The issues that separate us

This past week, I created a minor stir on Technorati with an article I wrote entitled "San Francisco Petition Seeks to Ban Circumcision."

It was even the main story on the Technorati homepage for a short while. I took a screen shot:
Now, I don't mean to make it sound like I created the Internet's next big controversy. The article was featured on Thanksgiving morning, not exactly a high-traffic time. Shortly thereafter it was replaced on the homepage by a generic "Happy Thanksgiving" greeting.

But my article did get a few comments. One was spam, one was pro-circumcision, and the rest were anti-circumcision. I think circumcision is the kind of issue where one side is going to be much more vocal than the other, in this case the anti-circumcision side. Is anybody really going to be all that vocal with the "yay circumcision" argument? Can any of us really say that we love circumcision?

Now, in the article itself, I didn't argue pro-circumcision or anti-circumcision. I merely argued that I don't think the government should have the right to make the circumcision decision for individual parents, particularly because circumcision is an important religious practice for many of those parents.

I have friends who chose circumcision and friends who did not. And guess what? We can still be friends. I'm not expecting you to be incredibly shocked that a snipper could be friends with a non-snipper. It's not like I just said that Glenn Beck and Arianna Huffington suddenly became BFFs.

It's just that, if you read the rhetoric of the two circumcision camps online, you get the idea that this is a very divisive issue. You might get the impression that this is the Most Important Issue Ever.

Just like everything single other issue that has to do with early parenthood.

Off the top of my head, I could rattle off:

• breast vs. bottle
• natural childbirth vs. epidural
• vaginal vs. c-section
• hospital vs. homebirth
• cloth vs. disposable
• co-sleeping vs. crib
• homemade baby food vs. Gerber
• cry-it-out vs. tend to the baby every time he/she cries
• SAHM vs. WOHM
• schedule vs. feeding on-demand
• organic vs. non-organic
• TV vs. no TV

Now, if you are reading this and you don't have any kids, you might be thinking that all of these issues are actually really silly things to argue about. And you would be right. And in actuality, most of us never argued about any of those things. I used disposable, my friend used cloth. We can go on being friends, so long as I never have to do a load of laundry in her washing machine.

I breastfed, and many of my friends used formula. Do I judge them? No, and in fact in some ways I think maybe they're right. No! The antibodies! The bonding! The rapid weight loss that comes from breastfeeding, which I'm still waiting for!

But also, I didn't go on antidepressants when I should have because I felt like I had to breastfeed him until he was one. I cut him off on exactly his first birthday. What an arbitrary point, but I picked it because the world said I should at least breastfeed for a year.

I shouldn't have made decisions based on what the rest of the world said, I should have made decisions based on what was right for me. On all of these issues, parents should make an informed decision, based on their circumstances, and not on all the stupid crap you read online. These are not the be-all, end-all decisions that some people on the Internet make them out to be. In the end, it won't matter if you chose to make organic, lovingly-prepared vegetable purees to feed your baby, or you popped open the can of Gerber. (And let me note that Gerber is actually not in cans anymore, but little plastic containers, which I know because Nathan was exclusively Gerber-fed, and I have no problem with it.)

I just feel really bad that new parents are led to believe these are the really important decisions. Based on some of the rhetoric online, new parents might think that the wrong choice could permanently damage their child. Your baby won't suck properly if you have an epidural. Would you choose genital mutilation like that if you had a girl? Letting your baby cry it out is child abuse! I don't eat all my food out of cans, so why should my baby? Why have children if you're just going to leave them with a babysitter while you're at work? Exposing babies to TV alters the neurons in their brains! Formula isn't natural!

The thing is, a new baby is a completely blank slate, and you get the feeling that if you make all the right choices, you can raise a perfect human being. If you make the wrong choices, someday you'll be that mother having to decide whether or not to turn in your son to the authorities for the murder you know he committed.

Except, it's not all that cut-and-dry. Some decisions are not objectively right or wrong. They're just decisions. You have to make the right decisions for your family, given the confines of your reality. And it will all be okay in the end.

And actually, the vocal people on the Internet are the exceptions, rather than the rule. Most of us don't have strong feelings about the choices others make on these particular issue. And the people who are making sanctimonious comments might be doing that because they feel like they need to justify their own choices.

I hope this doesn't come across like I'm attacking the people who commented on my circumcision article. I don't mean to insult them by suggesting that the circumcision decision is totally inconsequential. In actuality, the decision as to whether or not to alter your son's genitals has more far-reaching consequences than any of the other decisions mentioned above. Parents of boys should obviously not take the circumcision decision lightly. They should sort through the issues and make the best possible choice for their families.

And they shouldn't be made to feel bad about their choices. This "don't feel bad" argument was really my point in comparing the circumcision decision to the myriad other decisions that new parents make. On all these issues, you should make the right choice for you. And another family should make the right choices for them. And there shouldn't be a vocal minority out there making other people feel like the worst parents ever because of their choices. Because, in the end, when it comes to all these decisions, no matter what your choice, the world will go on. And this complicated world of parenting will be be just a little easier if we stand united rather than divided.