Delivered by carrier pigeon

Well, my home Internet connection is down. So I’m using the Wi-Fi at the gym to post this blog. At least my need for Internet got me to the gym. (Note to self: They also have Wi-Fi at McDonald’s.)

I’m assuming that the underlying cause of my Internet access problem is that my landline is down. When it first went dead, we still had very pathetic, limited Internet access that moved at about dial-up speed. (Dial-up! The horror!) During that time, I was able to look up AT&T’s phone number and write it down, which I mention because, I kid you not, I wrote down on a notepad with the heading “Idiots at AT&T.” Ahh, I amuse myself! AT&T earned the title idiots because when we lost Internet access back in September (September 2010, that’s relevant), I was on the phone with them for two hours, being transferred to different departments all over the world, and the bottom line seemed to be that there was a disconnect order on my line dating back to September 2009. What!? Had I accidentally fallen in a wormhole and gone back in time? Was I at the nexus of the universe?

Anyway, back to today’s problem. This morning we had no phone or Internet, so it was time to suck it up and call AT&T. Of course I called on my cell phone, which is what any normal person between the ages of 13 and 85 would do these days. But when I called, the automated AT&T system said the following: “Please provide us with an alternative number where we can contact you. This could be a work number, or the number of a friend or relative.” WHAT?! Cell phone wasn’t even mentioned as an option?! Wouldn’t the cell number just be your automatic choice, even if you had a work number, since you don’t know if they will call during work hours? And how the hell would the number of a “friend or relative” work? How would the friend or relative get in touch with you to relay the information from AT&T? Write you a letter? Use two cups connected with a string?

And speaking of people who are stuck in the olden days, why do I still have a landline? Many people I know have done away with the landline, and I think the fact that we survived for two days without it indicates that the landline is clearly unnecessary. The trouble is, I don’t get a great signal on my cell phone at home. And also, since I’m home during the day, I talk on the phone sometimes during the day, which is a time when cell minutes are kind of limited. (Though truth be told, I could easily adapt to a no-phone world, wherein all we do is text and e-mail. I’m kind of awkward on the phone.)

And I think the bottom line on the landline is that most people have that number, and the hassle of changing my number with every single website, doctor’s office, and utility company keeps me paying the stupid $30/month for a landline.

We also still get two newspapers delivered to our house each day. So clearly we are not on the cutting edge of technology.

I think I had planned to talk about something else today.

Well, first off, I am a sucker for things that smell good. And every time I go to a mall, I end up buying a bunch of stuff from Bath & Body Works. I justify my purchase there by saying that I deserve a reward after spending two hours hitting every kid spot in the mall (playground, carousel, kiddie train), during which my only retail experience is at the pretzel place.

Now, the thing about Bath & Body Works is that they are the champion of the upsell. I would seriously hate to work there, because you would always have to be saying things like, "I see you have two lotions there. You know if you buy 8 more, you can get 3 more free." Now, as a shopper, when presented with such an opportunity, I figure I'd be an idiot not to take it, because the cost of each lotion goes down from like $7.50 to like $4, and it doesn't even matter that I would not be able to use that much lotion if I spent a year in the Siberian desert. And I could give the lotions away as gifts, except all my friends have so many lotions already, having fallen victim to the Bath & Body Works package deals themselves.

So! We now have four soaps in holiday containers: the snowman, the peppermint candy, and two Christmas trees. (Tree #2 was free.) And my house is going to smell like chocolate mint because I bought the air freshener refills in that scent! Plus I have a new C.O. Bigelow butterscotch pudding lip gloss. And the peppermint lotion that makes me feel kind of cold!

And also, should you be the kind of person who likes to actually buy gifts for other people, my blog friend Caitlin has a Chicago Kids Gift Guide up on her blog, Wee Windy City! I guess it's mostly for Chicago people, but there are some cute things on there for people who live in other cities, too. And let me say, most holiday gift guides are kind of dumb. They either include items you could never afford, or items that nobody would ever want. (I'm looking at you, combination cooler/iPod speakers that I saw at Target the other day. Because I like to plug a $150 electronic gadget into something that will probably leak.) Anyway, Caitlin's gift guide actually has some real items I might actually want to buy (Nathan is totally getting the "L" train toy), so I'm giving it the official Shannon Seal of Non-Dumbness.

And finally, tonight I have a big audition, so think positive thoughts for me at 7 p.m. CST. I know what you're thinking, Audition?! Because if you don't know me personally, you may have assumed that I'm not really a performer. And if you do know me personally, you know I'm not really a performer. But I'm doing a stand-up monologue to try out for a community theater production. It's one of my hare-brained ideas I occasionally get to branch out, like when I decided to take ice-skating lessons or run a 5K. Except hopefully stand-up doesn't have such a high potential for a hamstring pull. Anyway, tonight I'm doing my monologue. I sing and dance a little in it. And I speak German. Umm, yeah.