It's strange how we view each year as a totally separate entity. We celebrate New Year's as if it's some big deal, but in actuality December 31 and January 1 are exactly as far apart as any other two consecutive days. And I know this seems like a totally obvious fact, but it's weird to think about how we separate chunks of time when life is, in fact, totally continuous.
But you have to draw the line somewhere, and so I, like everybody else, become reflective as one year ends and another begins. When I sat down to reflect on December 31, 2009, it occurred to me that 2009 had been the first year in a very long time that I didn't experience some major life change. I talked in my 2009 wrap-up post about how I enjoyed the calmness and stability that the year had brought. The 2009 Shannon seemed so calm and sure of herself, and even said, "I also feel that in 2009 ... Well, I can't think of any nicer way to say it than that 2009 was the year I got my shit together."
I hate to say it, but in 2010 my shit fell apart a little. Let me say that I have a very, very blessed life, and I'm lucky enough to say that no major tragedy happened directly to me in 2010 (knock on wood). When I speak of things falling apart, I'm simply talking about struggles with my mental health or my attitudes toward life.
I had a few setbacks with my depression this year. Nothing totally tragic, but every setback is scary. You ask yourself, What if I'm back there again? What if I lose control?
Why can't I just continue to float on that cloud of calmness and predictability from 2009?
I also think 2010 was challenging for me as a parent. As stupid as it sounds, Nathan's giving up of his naps totally threw me. Not only was I used to a little daily nap for myself, but I also got used to the nice way that a nap broke up the day. Suddenly it was just the two of us, exhausting one another all day long, for 12 hours straight. Nathan wasn't quite sure how to handle himself being up all day long, and the late afternoon/evening hours because frustrating. We had to rearrange our lives, like for example I had to stop going to the gym in the evenings in order to accommodate the boy's new 6:30 bedtime.
And so I sometimes became an exhausted, frustrated, depressed person who resented the world around me. Even though, as I said, I occupy a very fortunate position in the world.
But you need struggles in order to grow. As I said in this post, "sometimes it takes being smacked to your very core to realize that you need to make some changes in your life." And while I wasn't smacked to my very core in 2010, I was challenged enough to decide I needed to make some changes.
I think I learned how to better take care of myself and also take care of others. I got rid of just a teeny-tiny bit of my jealous streak. I realized that we all occupy our own little niches in the world, and that I should celebrate the niche I occupy and not continually wish I could occupy somebody else's. I learned that nobody else has his/her shit together either, and I should view every interaction in light of the fact that we're all struggling with something.
As I re-read that last paragraph, I realize that I made some pretty awesome growth in 2010.
So now it becomes 2011. And although I started this post by saying that the concept of a new year is kind of silly, it is also very refreshing. A new year brings new hope and new promise. As my dad wrote in one of his children's books, "It's nice to start again."
I'd be lying if I said that I am looking ahead to 2011 with pure optimism. Part of me is terrified for what 2011 might bring. Cautiously optimistic doesn't really seem to sum it up. It's more like hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
Except I feel like I can't prepare. Nobody knows what life holds for them up ahead. All we can be guaranteed is this one moment, this one itty bitty space in time. And in a way, there's something kind of powerful in that.
Happy New Year, everyone!
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