The Great Plan

"Man plans, God laughs."
--Yiddish proverb

"Make no little plans. They have no magic to stir men's blood and probably will not themselves be realized."
--Daniel Burnham, Chicago Architectural Wizard

"What the hell are we doing this fall?"
--Shannon Ford, Bewildered Midwestern Housewife Schlub/Occasional Math Book Editor

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You know what I like even more than office supplies? 

Making plans! 

And I don't just enjoy making fun plans.  I enjoy making all plans.

To plan is to suggest that you have some level of control over the future.  This sense of control is a completely false perception, of course.  Hence, "Man plans, God laughs." 

But it's nice to think that with the right plan in place, all the unknowns of the future will miraculously work out.  Having the right plan means having it all figured out. 

I imagine a world where life always runs smoothly, because I have scheduled and organized everything perfectly.  There will be no last-minute runs to Target to buy the birthday present on the way to the party, no mornings where I have to eat my breakfast in the car, no ordering pizza because it just now occurred to me this would be one of those nights where we'd have to eat dinner. 

I don't know if it's possible to plan your life so well that you're never stressed out by some last-minute unforeseen occurrence.  I also don't know if I have the discipline to plan, schedule, and organize my life to such a degree that I'm never caught off guard.  There are people who can.  My friend Sarah can.  I can't.

But I do like to have some basic idea of what we're going to be doing in the near future.  Which is why I've had a constant feeling of mild panic operating in the back of my mind lately.

I haven't gotten the fall figured out. 

Basically what it boils down to is the following completely uninteresting situation:

See, I signed Nathan up for Tuesday/Thursday preschool again.  We were used to that schedule, and I figured I'd give us one more year to get Nathan's not-a-morning-person self in gear before having to go to school five days a week.  So, Tuesday/Thursday it was.  But then everybody and her sister started telling me how inadequately prepared Nathan would be for kindergarten if he didn't go to preschool at least three days a week. 

Now, you know I'm generally not worried about preparing him for kindergarten.  But you also know that I let other people's comments get to me.  So after the thousandth person told me I was ruining my kid's life by putting him in Tuesday/Thursday preschool again, I inquired about the Monday/Wednesday/Friday program.  But by then we had to be on the wait list.  We are #3 on the wait list. 

A slight further complication is that they have this new Monday/Wednesday/Friday afternoon class they're allegedly opening up, except that each time I have asked about it, I have been told that nobody has signed up for it.  Figuring that I don't want to pay my deposit and commit to anything until I'm sure the class won't get canceled, I haven't signed up.  And I'm sure that I'm not the only parent who is waiting it out to see if somebody else signs up first.  It's like we're all playing one big, boring, pointless game of chicken.  

So, I have no idea what my kid's school schedule is going to be for the fall.  Which is a problem because it has recently come to my attention that I need to get some additional form of childcare for him so that I can do my work and take care of other work-like commitments.  And by "work-like commitments" I'm not talking about my laundry or going to the grocery store, since I don't want to think of myself as some sort of professional laundress or grocery-procurer.  I'm referring instead to tasks like completing the play script I promised I'd turn in by October, writing various unpaid online posts/articles/whatever, and attempting to secure more freelance work.  Although sometimes it's awfully nice to have a babysitter watch my kid while I go to the grocery store, too. 

Anyway, not knowing what days he'll have preschool = not knowing what days he'll need a babysitter = advanced level of stress and anxiety for me.

I couldn't take the uncertainty anymore, so I made a decision.  Kindergarten preparation be damned, we are going with Tuesday/Thursday preschool again, no matter what happens with that waitlist.  And I got a babysitter for Nathan Monday and Wednesday mornings.  I still won't know what my work schedule will be, or even if I'll have work at all come fall, but at least I'll have some form of childcare in place for most days, should work suddenly show up in my inbox.  

Now please keep your fingers crossed for me that I have enough work to justify the cost and guilt of having this much paid childcare.

(The guilt is not because I think paid childcare is bad.  The guilt would be if I were dumping my kid on a caregiver while I didn't have any work to do.  And I know you want to argue that I shouldn't feel guilty.  But, let's face it, most moms do.) 

I do think it is better for Nathan to have a paid babysitter come and constructively entertain him while I'm working, because too often (not all the time, but too often) I resort to screen-based entertainment for him when I need to get work done.  Wouldn't it be better to have a babysitter who can take him to the park or play a board game with him? 

So, plan in place, I have begun to imagine that I could have the most organized, predictable, boring life ever come fall.  I love boring and predictable. 

We'll basically have the same morning schedule Monday through Thursday, and I like to think that means we can organize the rest of the day around this schedule.  At noon we'll have lunch and quiet time, and then we'll have another block of time from 2:00 to 4:30.  Then dinner, and bedtime rituals, and Nathan will go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time and ...

Oh, it will all be so perfect.

And now I'm bursting with a sense of total control over my life.  I love the change of seasons and the new opportunities that each new season brings, especially the return to structure that comes with fall. 

We will get our lives in order.  

Don't tell me it can't be done.  I don't want to hear it.  You see this?  This is my bubble:

  Don't burst it.

Oh, Why Hello There, Mr. Blog

The fact that I haven't gotten around to updating my blog for two days is sort of indicative of the general theme of my life this week, which can be summed up in a one-word question:

When? 

When, seriously, am I supposed to have time to do all this stuff?  I want to go through my BlogHer swag and find all the PR reps' email addresses so I can write to the companies I like and see if they'll give me something for a blog giveaway.  I want to clean out my basement.  I want to get back to my office remodel.  I want to go out and look for more work, and take my kid on fun outings, and read books. 

But it seems like when I get through the paying work that has immediate deadlines, and the basic life-sustaining tasks like cooking and laundry, and the occasional exercise activity, I don't have any time left to do any of that stuff. 

I look at other blogs and the people seem to somehow have time to write their blogs, find sponsors, tweet endlessly, read books, write articles for money, take beautiful photographs, and never shirk their mothering responsibilities to what always seems like at least 4 kids. 

I'm copying a little bit of this thinking from a recent post written by my new blog friend Maria, wherein she asked how it is that all these professional mom bloggers seem to always have time to raise their multiple children, make healthy from-scratch meals, do clever crafty things, and still write their blogs. 

I honestly don't know, Maria.  Maybe they give up sleep. 

As for me, I'm not willing to give up sleep, and so it seems between all the must-do's of the day, and stupid idiocy like having to field calls for somebody named Sylvia who apparently used to have this number or a number similar to it, and making a separate dinner for each person in my family ... I just run out of time.  And I do admit to spending a few minutes here and there on Facebook or sending recreational emails, but I don't think I'm online half as much as some of these hyper-tweeting bloggers who seem to have blog posts up everywhere. 

I wrote this whole post from the bathroom (sitting on the toilet, but with the lid down, I swear) while Nathan takes a bath.  And I kind of let him get away with way too much splashing, so the entirety of the bathroom is wet.  Because those are the kinds of sacrifices I'm willing to make to find the time to put this high-quality drivel on the Internet for you. 

But I'm gonna quit while my laptop is still dry.  Until tomorrow ... or maybe the day after that ...

Random Photos and Probing Questions

This is the last thing I'm going to say about BlogHer, I promise.  But I found a few more pictures that I never posted here, and I figured it would be a shame to let them go to waste.  And since I didn't want to just post pictures, I came up with some random text to intersperse among the photos. 

Here's where the text comes from: At the BlogHer Community Keynote, emcee Eden Kennedy introduced each speaker by giving that speaker's answers to four questions that were asked in advance.  The questions were:


1. What is something your readers don't know about you?
2. What is a recent accomplishment you're proud of?
3. When you were a kid, what did you look forward to?
4. Is there anything else interesting you want to share about yourself?  

I will answer these questions, and post my pictures throughout, starting ... NOW.

1. What is something your readers don't know about you?
I am afraid to drive on bridges.  I will drive over a bridge if necessary, but my anxiety is at Level 10 when I do.  Another thing I'm afraid of is pools deeper than 12 feet.  Obviously this phobia makes no sense, because I think I'm a fairly competent swimmer, but I won't go in a pool deeper than 12 feet. 

And now, a photo:

Totally ignore the fact that I look fat and/or pregnant in this photo.  Fat, yes.  Pregnant, NO.  Anyway, this is a photo of me at the Sparklecorn party with a cardboard cutout of Dr. Who, which is one of Bill's favorite shows.  This is actually Dr. Who in his last incarnation, because he's now played by a new (uglier) actor.  In all, there have been 11 doctors.  I know, it's weird. 

2. What is a recent accomplishment you're proud of?

I am proud of the way I've recently gotten back into my career.  I'm proud of the way I'm sticking my neck out to get more work.  And I hope, in the near future, to say I'm proud of having repainted a dresser, which will be my very first furniture rehabbing project.  

Next picture:

This is the cake they had at Sparklecorn.  It was by far the coolest cake I've ever seen live and in person.  I didn't eat any of it.  

 Here's a self-portrait of me decorated in glow tubes from Sparklecorn.

3. When you were a kid, what did you look forward to?

I looked forward to being able to drive, so I could go through the McDonald's drive-thru whenever I wanted, specifically to buy Coca-Cola.  Sadly, I still look forward to going to the McDonald's drive-thru, although in my older age I have switched to Diet Coke.  

Okay, so this next picture is really random (and blurry).  I took it just now as I was sorting through my BlogHer swag.  See, a lot of companies give you their press kit information on a flash drive (jump drive, thumbnail drive, whatever), so as to save paper and printing costs.  Sometimes the flash drives are on lanyards, sometimes they're keychains, and sometimes they're built into plastic cards.  But far and away the absolutely cutest flash drive came from the Yankee Candle people:

It's a flash drive that looks like a tiny jar candle!  I snuck in and took an extra one.

In exchange for the extra flash drive, I'll do a little pitch for Yankee and show you guys the adorable vintage-inspired candle collection they have coming out for the holidays:

 This picture was on the flash drive.

4. Is there anything else interesting you want to share about yourself?

I can say the alphabet backwards.  And I went to elementary school with the kid who played Urkel.  And speaking of brushes with greatness, I met a woman at the conference who I found out (after the fact) was a guest star on Seinfeld.  Last night I watched the episode she was on (Season 7's "The Friar's Club") and she played Kramer's girlfriend.   

My last picture is a picture I took of a greeting card the Hallmark people gave us.  I know I should have scanned it, but the computer with the scanner was occupied.

So true. 

And We're Back

 

And the answer to the big question is ...

THE HOUSE WAS CLEAN!

I got home at 10 p.m. to find Bill and Nathan playing poker in the kitchen, a scented candle burning and some sort of cinnamon/vanilla air freshener combo simmering on the stove.  Plus Bill had cleaned out some of the cabinets and ... WTF?

I proceeded to dump my ample BlogHer swag all over every possible horizontal surface in the house, so there goes the cleanliness.  

My, how the tables have turned.  

Anyway, today I'm home and in that confused post-trip mindset where I can't really wrap my head around the issues of What do we eat? and What state is the laundry in? 

Oh, and I have freelance work, and I NEED to go to the gym, and this girl is so needy:

"Please love me!"

It seems that, although Leia had ample opportunity for human interaction while I was gone, she more or less retreated to the basement the whole time I was gone.  I kind of not-so-secretly love that she likes me the best.  I cannot say that there is a single other creature on this earth who likes me better than anybody else.  

Nathan is also a little clingy, and since I've been away I find the clinginess endearing and not annoying.  He's so cute and smart!  Awww.  

Oh, and also Bill announced that he has a new-found appreciation for all I do, and he realizes I need more support.  

So even though I'm only rating BlogHer itself a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10, I'd say this trip overall was a huge success. 

SuperIma Sunday Check-In: Get Me the Hell Out of Dodge Edition

Greetings from San Diego International Airport.  I gotta make this quick. 

My week in California was just marvelous.  From relaxing in the desert with my in-laws, to getting the pampered star treatment from my dad and stepmom, to the all-out crazy-fest that was BlogHer '11, I'd say my first solo trip since becoming a mom was a huge success. 

But, I am D.O.N.E.  Yesterday started to feel like the 14th hour of a day at Disneyland; everything that was once fun becomes overwhelming, and everybody who was once festive becomes annoying. 

Yesterday I found myself annoyed by everything.  I retreated to my hotel room for the majority of the afternoon, but even people on TV were annoying.  I had a nap, and then a walk on the boardwalk by the bay, and then a trip to SoCal must-do Pinkberry yogurt.  I capped off the evening at 3 BlogHer parties: the Social Fiesta (good Mexican food), Aiming Low (free massages), and CheeseburgerHer (where you eat a cheeseburger on a bed with a McDonald's bag on your head).  Like the night before, I found myself loving the free-spirited "let your freak flag fly" attitude at the BlogHer parties.  And some of my fellow party-goers and I discussed some of the ways that other bloggers can be obnoxious and full of themselves. 

But I do think most of the conference attendees were authentic and kind, and the conference ended on a happy note. 

So, now I'm at the airport, sweating as I lug all my new free swag home.  (Bonus: swag = free souvenirs for Nathan.)  Anyway, I have no idea what to expect when I get home.  It could be spic 'n span, or it could be a total disaster.  So, I hesitate to talk about goals or letting things slide or giving myself a break until I get home and find out what I'm up against.  

But this week I do plan to get back to the gym, and do some freelance work, and hug my kid an extra lot.  And generally just bask in the joy of being home, even if home is where the mess is. 

On Being a Writer vs. a Blogger vs. a Schlub

I once knew a woman, a seasoned professional writer, who told me that there is a huge difference between writing and blogging.  As this woman was a pompous ass who thought she was the greatest person who ever put pen to paper (she wasn't), I didn't put much stock in her opinion.

But after 48 hours immersed in all things blogging, I wonder if blogging really does differ from writing.  For sure, bloggers are a subset of writers.  Obviously whether you write novels or blog posts, you are writing, at least in the very basic definition of the word.

Somehow, though, to be a blogger means doing so much more than just writing.  You have to be some sort of social media whiz.  You have to tweet and network and know your Klout score.

Not to say that professional non-blogging writers don't do their fair share of social media whoring.  In today's world, everybody's networking online.  But what I'm saying is, in my two days at BlogHer I've come to feel like it means something different to be a blogger than to just write stuff online.  And I find that something different to be vaguely annoying. 

And after yesterday morning, I was ready to get all self-righteous and declare that I wanted no part of the blogging world.  While I love some of my fellow bloggers, especially the Chicago ones, I just find myself feeling a little uneasy about the whole social media world.

Yesterday morning at breakfast, for example, I heard a woman say, "I don't need to go to that session on social media.  I already have 8,000 followers on Twitter."  Later this same woman commented on how everybody at such-and-such a conference recognized her particular avatar logo.  Well, la-di-frickin-da. 

Then at the expo, I overheard a woman, in full New York chain smoker accent, say, "Oh gawd, my Klout score went down one point."  She said it in the same tone as somebody might use when complaining about the heat, as though a lowered Klout score was just another commonplace daily inconvenience.  She went on to say that her friend's Klout score dropped significantly because that friend took a few days off of the Internet while she cared for her ailing mother.

To which I say, man, fuck Klout.  The fact that you can't stay influential in social media if you aren't online constantly, that's why the Internet exhausts me.

It was in this state of exhaustion that I went up to my hotel room yesterday afternoon and resolutely determined that I'm in the blogging world for the love of writing and nothing else.

Now, quite frankly, that kind of self-righteous resolution can make you just as obnoxious as the self-promoting types that you're rebelling against.  It's like those high school kids who think they're cool for trying to be different and alternative, even though they're exactly like all the other kids who are different and alternative.

I think I'm different because I'm in it for the love of writing, and everyone else feels exactly the same way.

But there it is.  I can't network and I can't self-promote.  I want the human connection, not the business connection.

And then, just when I was totally disgusted about blogging and bloggers and everything that includes the word blog, I went to the Community Keynote.  The Community Keynote is an annual BlogHer tradition in which bloggers submit posts in advance, and then those chosen as the "best of" in particular categories get to read their posts out loud in a collective keynote speaker event. 

And wow, the passion that came out in those posts.  The humor, the pain, the emotion, the ohmygosh me too.  I cried an embarrassing level of tears at that thing.  And that's coming from somebody who has only cried at one movie, ever.

Just like that, my faith in blogging was renewed.  This is why we need blogs.  This is why we need a large and anonymous and far-reaching Internet, to share our feelings and discover that they are other people's feelings, too.  Not to give us a numerical score about how influential we are because we can tweet and retweet a bunch of pointless blather.

After the speeches I had dinner with two real and authentic women, and I realized that maybe the superficial networkers are the exception in the blogging world, not the norm.  Maybe bloggers are real people.  Maybe I'm a blogger after all.

I carried my renewed blogger badge, figuratively and literally, to the annual Sparklecorn party last night at the convention center.  Here were thousands of bloggers, drinking and dancing and letting loose.  Nobody was exchanging business cards.  And if people were talking about their Klout scores, you couldn't hear it over the loud music.  This was fun.  This was community.  

But this morning, in the haze of post-party exhaustion, I started to get a little bit disillusioned about the world of social media again.  I was sitting at breakfast, listening to everyone talk in their networking voices.  You know what I mean?  That voice that's just a little more high-pitched and perky than your normal voice?  I couldn't take it anymore.  I wanted to go home and be with my real community again.  I couldn't hear one more person introduce herself as, "Hi, I'm Actual Given Name, Blog Name."  Look, people, don't act like your blog name is interchangeable with the name your parents thought long and hard about before they gave it to you. 

No more blogging, no more networking.  Please just make it all stop. 

However, since I was trying to have a good attitude and make the most of my expensive conference ticket, I forced myself to attend one session.  It was called "How to Pitch Freelance Editorial Work."

Now, here's the thing.  Remember how recently I started doing freelance editorial work?  As in, working as an editor, editing things?  Yeah.  So, here was a session that might actually be useful to me professionally, like to make money and stuff.

Except, did you know that freelance editorial work refers to freelance writing?  Why the hell didn't they say freelance writing in the title? 

So, very quickly I was annoyed and frustrated.  But I figured since, you know, I think I'm such a big writer and stuff, I should listen to what they had to say. 

It was nothing new.  It was basically how to pitch an article to a publication.  Make sure it grabs the editor!  Make it short and catchy!  Explain why you have something unique to offer! 

Oh, and by the way, you'll probably get rejected. 

And even if you do sell an article, the pay isn't very good anyway. 

Bah.  Maybe I'm not really cut out to be a writer, either.  Apparently I'm just a schlub who doesn't fit into any category. 

And I'm okay with that. 

BlogHer 2011 Day 2

Today I found some of my Chicago blogger friends, and some of their friends.  Together we took our picture with the Pringles mascot:

L to R: Lisa, Tracey, Pringles Guy, Trina, Me

Over at the Proctor & Gamble booth, I took my picture for Cascade Action Packs:

"Cascade conquers my dishes so I can get back to my blog."

P&G also makes Iams pet food, which this little dog presumably eats:

Her name is Jenga.

Elsewhere, at the Brawny booth:

L to R: Brawny Man, Me, Lisa

To demonstrate the stain resistance of some type of carpet, we visited the Spill Bar.  Somehow because we got a spotless record, we had to take this mugshot ...?  Or ...?  That doesn't make sense, but anyway:

Also I am not 5'3".

This sweet lady from Michael Angelo's frozen Italian entrees talked to me for awhile and showed me pictures of her family.  Turns out her family came from the same part of Italy as my ancestors did, so I said I would pimp up her product for her.  The eggplant was really good. 

This guy was making a sand sculpture of a keyboard. 

This thing is called a Duo and allows you to play various board games on your iPad:

I watched the guy carve this sculpture out of Ivory soap yesterday.  Apparently Ivory is the only soap you can carve.

At lunch there was a flash mob! 

The final Twizzlers sculpture, the Seattle Space Needle:

Upstairs we visited the Hershey's S'Mores Suite:

L to R: Tracey, Other Shannon, Me, Trina

In the Hot Wheels suite, they were demonstrating their new Wall Tracks toys, which stick on the wall with removable Command adhesive strips:

Back at the expo, I met Buddy from Dinosaur Train:

And I hung out on Sesame Street:

As you can see, I've been spending a lot of time at the expo, getting free stuff and taking fun photos.  However, I haven't gone to a single session or panel yet.  Tonight is the "Voices of the Year" program, where we hear people read from blogs that got chosen as the best of the year in specific categories.  Tomorrow I'm going to try to hit a session or two, just so I can say I did.  But I also want to go to the pool. 

So far the whole experience has been fun, overwhelming, and ... totally different than I thought it would be.  I thought people would be more about promoting their blogs to one another, but in actuality it's more about people trying to hook up with brand sponsors.  I guess maybe that's a sign of the changing times in the blogosphere.  As you know, I find all these evolving trends interesting, but I don't really care that much if I never become a part of them. 

Tonight I might hit a party, but honestly I'm not as excited about those as I thought I would be.  I'm really happy here in my hotel room alone. 

I think, at this exact moment, my call on BlogHer would be that it's a totally fun and exciting experience, and one I'm glad I am having, but I don't really need to go back next year.