This is where I wallow in it

Depression has set in. Because I am properly medicated, I can accept depression and plow through it, but it's still very unpleasant. I get stuck in that mode of not thinking any activity is going to be fun, and it's not like there's an unlimited list of possible indoor, toddler-friendly activities to start with.

Maybe I should bake something? No, then I'll just have to wash dishes.

Maybe I should take Nathan to the mall playground? No, I don't feel like dealing with the drive/stroller/chasing him around/disciplining him.

And forget about the stuff that was never pleasant anyway, like laundry and cleaning. Those things are now next to impossible. And I feel like Nathan is next to impossible, like I'm raising the worst-behaved child ever and I'm the worst mother ever.

Again, this is not a crisis because I'm taking my Vitamin P. As I always say, the right dosage of antidepressants won't make you happy, it will make you so you can take steps to make yourself happy. Which means you still have to do a lot of work to maintain your mental health. And while there's some pride to be taken from getting yourself there, it also means you have a big responsibility to not become complacent when it comes to your mental health.

And I am battling depression on every front. I go to the gym almost every day. I've gone back to swimming because I hear that repetitive actions can be very calming. I take time for myself. A lot of time for myself. Yesterday I got a mani/pedi in bright red to try to bring some color to my life. I'm always trying to bring color to my life. I wear bright colors. I buy cheap flower bouquets from the grocery store. I read magazines and books about baking and flowers and all that's happy and sunny.

I sit under the phototherapy lamp.

I take bubble baths.

I engage in retail therapy.

And yet, I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm slogging through the days, and some days I wonder how we're going to get through. And I know, that's just January in Chicago.

But even though I can explain it, that doesn't mean I have to like it.