Put on your yarmulke, it's time for Hanukkah!

I don't want my blog to become too Christmas-y. Although Christmas is the holiday I celebrate, I'm more of a "Happy Holidays" than a "Merry Christmas" kind of person. I took enough of those weird college courses that taught nebulous, unattainable ideals about diversity to know that we have to celebrate all people. But, you know, not single them out. Or point out how we're different. But don't say we're all the same, either! Appreciate differences but make everyone feel welcome. It's not a melting pot, it's a stew. Or something.

My point is, what the hell were half the professors at my college talking about? They needed a giant dose of the real world to get them to shut their traps

Oh, I mean my point was, yesterday I went to a Hanukkah party! It was hosted by my friend and training partner, Amy.

My contribution to the party was cookies. I considered making something fancy from the cookie runway, but I decided to go with the classic Toll House instead. But I wanted to put blue M&Ms in them for Hanukkah. Target only had the red and green Christmas M&Ms, so I had to go to two other stores to find blue ones. I finally ended up at Party City, where a small 7-oz bag of all blue M&Ms cost $5.99. The M&M-Mars company sure isn't being fair to our Jewish brothers and sisters. I'm thinking boycott!

Anyway, I made these cookies, which I photographed in various stages of development, a la the blog Smitten Kitchen. Here's the batter:



Here they are on the cookie sheet:


And here they are in a too-Christmas-y plastic container:

Anyway, the party was super fun, and Bill, Nathan, and I all had fun hanging out out with our various demographically-segregated groups. You know what I mean? At parties, it's always the woman in one room, the men in another, and the kids somewhere running around in packs together. Which is a phenomenon I kind of love, because I hang out with a man and a child all the time, but I don't always get to hang out with other women.

But I don't have pictures of any people at the party, because sometimes I don't know if random strangers want pictures of themselves and their kids on the Internet. You really have to think about the dangers of this kind of widespread photo distribution when you write the 23,592nd most popular blog on the Internet.

So, no pictures of people. But I did take pictures of latkes!

First off, this cute latke plate:



And here are the latkes:


So, as you can see, there were actually two different latke plates, because there were a lot of latkes. And I ate most of them, I think. People, it is hash browns (good) fried (good) into pancakes (good). And the dips are applesauce, which provides the sweet/savory combination I love (the one behind my future invention, chocolate-dipped bleu cheese), and sour cream (which should be put in a pool so we can swim in it).

After dinner the hosts lit the menorahs:


Those cookies in the background are not from the Jewish culture; they are actually the Italian pizzelles. Because, you know, diversity.

Then we all ate the traditional Hanukkah red velvet cupcakes. And also my cookies got totally eaten up, which is good because I admit that I feel really insecure when I make something for a party or potluck and it doesn't get eaten.

After that I hung out with the other moms and complained about various people we know in the community. I believe in Yiddish this is known as kvetching.

And then my little family dragged our overtired, latke-filled selves back out in the cold, warmed by the afterglow of a pleasant evening with friends.

No animals were harmed in the writing of this post

First off, did you see I'm (crazy and) doing NaBloPoMo for December? The theme is Zeitgeist, which is kind of a word I hate. As a refresher for me, I looked up zeitgeist on dictionary.com:


Anyway, I don't think I'll have to go out of my way to capture the spirit of the times, because doesn't this blog always capture the spirit of my times? I'm not sure what that spirit is, though. Bitterness? Cynicism?

So, since I will be traveling this month, some of the December posts will be from the iPad. And since I don't have the external keyboard for it (Christmas gift idea!), I'll be using the built-in keypad, and my posts will probably be something like:

im no a fcuking train with a 3yo please klil me whre the hll is the period kye on thsi tinhg

And speaking of NaBloPoMo, I finally figured out how to register myself on the blogrolls. It turns out the whole "hover over the tab" thing doesn't work with Firefox. So I did it in Internet Explorer ... et voila! I am now on their blogroll, and I'm hoping I get a few visitors from the NaBloPoMo site. Because right now my blog is ranked #23,592 on Technorati, and I think I can get up to #23,591! Take that, Bob's Poodle Blog! Same Old Shannon FTW!

Okay, enough housekeeping. (Isn't that what people always say in college courses and meetings?) I'm drawing a line.

------------------------------------------------------------------

The main subject of this post is my trip to the zoo yesterday!

I went with Katie, of marathon-running, musical-loving fame, to Brookfield Zoo's Holiday Magic! That's when the zoo gets all lit-up with pretty holiday lights and Christmas trees. And remember how it was snowing yesterday, and how I dropped something heavy on my foot the day before that? Well, cold weather, adverse driving conditions, and injuries weren't going to stop us from going to see a light display that blinks in coordination with a continuous loop of "Feliz Navidad."

So nobody is allowed to call me a wuss or a Californian ever again.

Now, of course we wouldn't start our zoo trip by seeing some actual animals. First we rode the carousel!

That animal he's riding is called a Barbarusa. I called it a purse hook.

Katie picked the more mainstream penguin. I remember she had penguin pajama bottoms when she slept over at my old house, back when I was young and fun and we started the tradition of wearing hats while drunk.

Next stop: The Overpriced Kiddie Train! But this is a really cute photo, right?

And then we went to see the Great Bear Wilderness, which I don't have any photos of, but here's a picture of us in a Three Polar Bear Open Sleigh.

You can't actually see the polar bears.

Blah, blah, blah Katie with the Abominable Snowman:

Best. Picture. Ever.

In the spirit of the holidays, Nathan wanted to paint himself up like The Flash.


Yadda, yadda, yadda they had a neat model train set. (You can see why I'm not a scrapbooker.)

Also note that he is tearing off his coat, because he does that 3 seconds after he gets indoors.

And that was our trip to the zoo. And not one of those pictures featured an actual animal. Oh well, most of them were in their indoor hidden enclaves, because who would be dumb enough to be outdoors in weather like that?

Snow Big Deal

We had our first sticking snow overnight! I ventured out into the snow barefoot to take some pictures. That killed two birds with one stone, because I got some pictures to share, and I iced my stupid foot. (Hidden bonus: frostbite!)

I really like the snow that sticks to the tree branches. It has to have a certain water content to stick to the branches. Sometimes if it's too heavy, huge clumps of snow fall off the trees and land on your car with a thud, so you're like, "OMG, WTF was that?!" Because I always talk in Internet acronyms.

Anyway, here are some snowy trees in my front yard:


This next picture is of my backyard, which backs up into a park. Somebody puts up pretty Christmas lights on a park tree every year, and it's one of those things that puts a smile on your face every time you notice it. I took this photo through a glass door, which I had to keep shut because a certain little kitty was itching to get out. (Dumbass. She'd be out there 15 seconds before her pansy indoor cat feet would freeze.) Anyway, since I was kind of far away, I put a big green arrow on there so you could (kind of) see the tree with the lights.


And then I took this next one with the retro camera app on my phone. It's in my front yard, which has a flagpole, courtesy of the very-patriotic previous owners of my home. So that flagpole kind of cuts into the photo. I'm calling it "Christmas 1945," because 1945 seems like a year when people would be very patriotic and would have a flagpole cutting into a photo like that.


I'm like Ansel Adams, if Ansel Adams took pictures with an Android A855 phone.

Oh and BTW, you probably can't see it, but our semi-weird across-the-street neighbors are selling their home! I hear this is a really great real estate market, so hopefully the house will sell quickly and some super-cool new neighbors will move in, ones who have a kid Nathan's age. And possibly there would be a smart-ass mom who could be friends with me, one who doesn't say things like, "Isn't motherhood a wonderful gift?" or use the word binky.

Actually, one problem I have with the current across-the-street neighbors was really my own fault. The mom was out there one day with a newborn in a Snuggly. And my dumbass was all, "Oh, I didn't even know you were pregnant!" Now, the thing is, this mom is a little bit on the overweight side (pot calling the kettle black), and so I was kind of like saying, "Wow, you really hid that pregnancy under all that fat!" It was the kind of thing that you hear as soon as it's out of your mouth and you wish you could retract. But, in my defense, I only saw her a few times from across the (fairly wide) street, and it was winter, so she was probably wearing a thick coat. But now I kind of think she hates me.

And P.S.: Shoveling sucks.

Today's Post #2 of 2: The Funny ... ?

If you didn't see, I put another post below this one. That one was serious. And then I said I would put up a funny post up above that post.

Except, between that post and this one, I went to the gym to work out with the trainer, and I dropped a 45-pound plate on my foot. And that's not really funny, unless you're into slapstick. In which case I say, why are you laughing at my pain?!

You know those people who brag that they have a really high pain threshold? Yeah, I'm not one of them. I have a very low pain threshold. But, in a somewhat ironic combination, I also have a hard time admitting defeat. I'm always the one who is all, "No, no, I'm fine! I can totally keep going! I'll rally!" I'm like 1996 Olympic gymnast Kerri Strug, except with less athletic skill and a more normal-pitched voice.

So, I'm there trying to be all, "I'm fine, leave me alone, please don't let me interrupt the workout," while at the same time I'm thinking I really need to lie down because I'm gonna pass out from the pain. And then I did the whole rest of the workout lying on the bench with an ice pack on my foot. Then the trainer gave me a bunch of instructions for icing/elevating my foot. And we had to fill out an accident report, which, by the way, is my family's second report this week because Nathan had an incident in the daycare on Sunday. I'm pretty sure the gym is going to cancel my membership because my family represents too much of a liability for the park district.

The thing is, I was in a bad mood before I got to the gym. I hadn't done cardio in a few days, and I was planning on doing some swimming after the workout with the trainer, to try to boost my mood. And having the trainer say things like, "If you wake up in the middle of the night in throbbing pain, you need to see a doctor," was making me feel pretty sorry for myself. My kid and his incessant demands were bringing me down, and the thought of being at home limping all over the house trying to take care of his needs was just frustrating me. So I did do a few laps in the pool, trying to do one-footed flip-turns, but my heart wasn't in it. And now I'm home complaining about things.

So, this post was completely whiny and un-funny. Just to add a teeny-tiny funny element to it, I present to you the hilarious return of Seinfeld character Jackie Chiles, on funnyordie.com. Because I'm not the only one who can't get enough of a sitcom that went off the air 12 years ago.

Introducing Jackie Chiles: For the People from Jackie Chiles

Today's Post #1 of 2: The serious

I was torn between writing about something serious and writing something (that I think is) funny. I'm sort of a purist, and I think a post should either be (a) a thoughtful, organized essay about a single, important topic, or (b) silly updates and out-of-your-ass one-liners. And never the twain shall meet. And then I realized that I'm not doing NaBloPoMo anymore, so I don't have to ration my ideas in order to have one post per day. I could write two separate posts. What a novel idea!

Anyway, this is the serious post. I thought I would post the lighter post above it because, you know, it's Friday.

The theme of this post is Why I Love Writing This Blog.

The sub-head here is I Find Out Somebody is Pregnant Every Single Day.

Now, back in October, I wrote about how sometimes people's pregnancy announcements were hard for me. Each announcement threw me into a tailspin of Why shouldn't I have another baby? My life isn't like I planned it!

Since that posting, I think I have found out that approximately 8,000 people I know are pregnant. And I can't believe I'm saying this, but my reaction to their announcements has actually been pure, (mostly) untainted happiness for them.

I think this blog cured me.

In actuality, it was people's reactions to the blog that cured me. People read that post and said, I understand, me too, it's okay if you only want one child. And other people wrote other comments and said you are hilarious, Shannon, I love what you are doing. And the combination of these two sentiments made me realize that I'm destined to do something else besides the "two kids in the suburbs" life I always imagined for myself.

Let me emphasize that the part about imagining that different life is the main reason I'm always so devastated that I haven't had another kid. You picture your life going one way, and when it doesn't go that way it is like that life, and the people in it, have died. I hear people tell me this all the time. While I always wanted two kids and ended up with one, I have friends who always wanted three kids and ended up with two. I even talked to somebody who always wanted four kids and ended up capping it off at three. No matter what your life, it is difficult to accept that it wasn't what you originally had planned.

But if you (okay, I) can accept the whole "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans" idea, you might realize that the reality of your life is better than the fantasy you once had. Sure, maybe it isn't obviously better. Maybe in your current circumstances you're learning a lesson that will not prove to be beneficial until far, far into the future. But things often work out as they should, even if they don't work out the way you want them to. Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward. (Soren Kirkegaard)

And so, I strive to accept the idea that I'm on the right path in my life. And so is everybody else. And when I find out that the next step in somebody's life path is another child, I am actually happy for that person.

Also, I hope this doesn't come across like I'm saying, "I don't need another baby. I have a little-known blog!" I'm saying that pursuing a creative outlet has made me realize that my life is so full and rewarding, and not the sad, semi-barren existence that my drama queen self often made it out to be.

And for sure, the creation of other people is a much more noble pursuit than the creation of written prose. There is no greater love than the love for one's child. For those who desire to create children, parenthood is the most noble calling.

But you should enter this noble calling because you want to, and not because you feel like you should. And so what I'm saying is, I'm over feeling like I should have another baby. And now I can actually be happy for those who are accepting the call to have more children.

And since I know of at least three people who read this blog who are pregnant, I would like to end this post with a whole-hearted congratulations to them. I truly mean it.

Judge not, lest ye want a good blog post

So, I received an e-mail with some real discount codes for the 1800baskets family.

• 1-800-FLOWERS.com - Promo Code = SHAWN

• 1-800-Baskets.com - Promo Code = SHAWN

• Cheryl’s - Promo Code = SHAWN

• The Popcorn Factory - Promo Code = SHAWN

• Winetasting.com - Promo Code = SHAWN

• Fannie May - Promo Code = 1225

I realize the code "SHAWN" sounds similar to "SHANNON," which was the fake code I gave yesterday. But I promise "SHAWN" is a real discount code.

Also, Similar to Shannon would have been another good name for this blog.

Okay, enough product-pitching. Now I will draw a line and talk about other stuff.

-------------------------------------------------
First I will tell a story in which I sound mean and judgmental. That's the best kind of story, right?

So, the other day at the library I saw a family that could best be described as white trash. The mom had three kids and a baby. She overheard me saying something to Nathan, something that involved saying his name, and she said, "Oh, wait? What did you say his name was?"

Me: "Nathan."
Her: "Oh, his name is Lathan," pointing to the baby.

Now, what I wanted to say was, "Oh, what a coincidence that your kid's random, bastardized made-up name rhymes with my kid's normal, fairly common name." But I think I just smiled and said how cute Lathan was.

She went on to explain that she came up with Lathan's name while watching I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. First of all, you should never, ever use that show as your guide to baby names. In fact, I would say that if you have a name picked out for a baby and it's used on I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, you should pick a new name. If you have an already-born child who has a name that is used on I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, you should head over to the courthouse and see about changing that kid's name. Even if that kid is 15.

But wait! There's more. Lathan's mom explained that she was watching I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, and the whole episode she swore they were saying the kid's name was Lathan. Then at the end of the show, she discovered that the kid's actual name was the more normal Nathan. But by then she was in love with Lathan, and so that's the name her kid got. And now Lathan has a really fun story about how his name is based on a trashy TLC program and his mom's poor hearing.

And oh crap! There's an episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant where the kid's name is Nathan? Now I have to follow my own advice and head over to the courthouse.

While I'm possibly offending people, I am going to go ahead and say that I am also opposed to married couples who share a Facebook profile. Seemingly by its very definition, Facebook is supposed to be about you, as an individual. And when you combine your Facebook profile with your husband's, you have completely given up on your individuality. The thing is, my husband is a Facebook fan of all kinds of political blogs/publications, and also of random sci-fi shows. I am a fan of Joel McHale and The Daily Kitten. We both have our own interests, and neither of us would want to be getting updates from the other person's fan pages and/or friends. I think it's okay to have some things separate in your marriage. (Also I tend to post status updates along the lines of, "I just had a delicious latte!" and my husband is opposed to this kind of mundane update.)

Here are a few more updates:

• The community theater woman contacted me, and my joke-writing gig is officially a go! And the jokes are supposed to be about musicals, which seems like a goldmine of comedic fodder. I mean, I love musicals. Who doesn't? Wouldn't it be awesome if we could all randomly burst into song for some levity in an awkward situation? (For example, an awesome real-life song might be, "Lathan? What the f**k kind of name is that?") And to help me with my joke-writing, I have access to one of the world's foremost experts on musicals, my friend Katie, who has seen approximately 8,000 musicals. I'm pretty sure she knows more about musicals than Andrew Lloyd Webber. So, that's the good news. The bad news is that the musicals I talk about have to be Tony winners, which means I can't mention the musical "Carousel," which features the all-time most hilarious musical number, "That Was a Real Nice Clambake." Hahahaha, clambakes are funny. I'll have to work it in somehow.
  
• The personal trainer said I have to have a weekly weigh-in with her. And she was talking to me and the other woman who does training with me, Amy, and she was like, "Well, I think we'll do weigh-ins with you, Shannon, because ... it seems like losing weight is ... more important to you." Ugh, why didn't she say, "Well, I think we'll do weigh-ins with you, Shannon, because you're clearly the much bigger fat-ass." So anyway, I was thinking that I must go home and get rid of all the free stuff I got at the basket factory tour. But instead I just went home and ate some of it. But no cookies or chocolate. Just pretzels and fat-free candies like jelly beans and sour stars. You know, the health foods.
  
• We had the babysitter over for her quick little hangout with Nathan yesterday. I felt like I should stick around for longer, but I didn't know what to say. So I chatted with her for 10 minutes, and then I said I was going off to do some errands. Except the only "errand" I did was to go to Starbucks to write a blog post for Technorati. I feel like I should maybe have done the whole babysitter trial where you hang out and do chores to see how the babysitter interacts with your kid. Except, that was so awkward when I was babysitting. I had this one woman I babysat for, and she would take me along with her two kids on errands and stuff. It was so hard. Like, hello, I am 14. What am I supposed to talk to you about? Eventually I graduated to being able to stay home alone with the kids while the mom went on errands, but I remember it took awhile before I got to that point. So, I just left this girl home with Nathan on her first visit. And maybe that means I'm putting the babysitter's needs before my kids and my own, so I guess I'm a bad mom on that. Or whatever.

Finally, here's some fun iPad action!

These are Nathan's two virtual cats, Tabby (orange) and Pooh (black) with their virtual litterbox:


And this is a virtual gingerbread man I made on the app Cookie Doodle:


And speaking of cookies, here's some long-awaited footage of me strolling the cookie runway on the Martha Stewart Makes Cookies app. Make sure you turn up the volume to hear my awesome soundtrack. Also the colored lights reflected on the screen are from my Christmas tree, and were accidental, but I think they add a neat little catwalk-like effect.

My trip to 1800baskets.com

You know those blogs that used to be about interesting topics, but now they're just pitches for a bunch of products?

Well, this is about to become one of them.

But only for one day. I don't have that many companies giving me products to pitch.

Yesterday, thanks to the connections of my friend Farrah, I went and toured the facilities at 1800baskets.com. They're also affiliated with The Popcorn Factory, Fannie May, Cheryl's Cookies, winetasting.com, and celebrations.com. Which adds up to a whole lot of delicious stuff to eat and take home. And not only did I make out like a bandit, but all of you are going to get ...

... the opportunity to hear about my experience! Yay!

We started off in like the prettiest room ever.


The flowers! The chocolate-dipped strawberries! And the cranberry-vodka mimosas:


Next we went and packed baskets of our own. And we got to take the stuff home. Here's mine:


This guy Shawn Rabideau is apparently famous for his party consulting on Bravo. As you can see, I was more interested in capturing the tree made of cookies.



Here's a close-up of the cookie tree:



And here's a cookie wreath:


And then we went in this big fancy room with pretty tables. Shawn was explaining to us that we could use some of his decorating ideas for holiday entertaining. For example, he explained that you could make a combination place card/menu made of paper and velvet. We all smiled and said stuff like wow, that's a terrific idea, but I think Shawn was assuming a way more advanced level of entertaining than I currently demonstrate. Like, place cards? There are five people here! And menus?! You can just look at the table to see what we're having.

But, whatever. It's not like he could be all, "Well, what you can do is make sure that you buy generic sodas whose cans are the same color as your napkins."

Now, the torturous part of that room was that we were standing there listening to this presentation while we stared at all this:

Cheesewinechocolate!

We listened to some people present about appropriate wine pairings. I think this went on for approximately 57 years. And then we could have eaten, but people had to go and ask questions. You know, like when you had that class in college that ended at like 9 p.m., and the professor would be all, "So, as long as nobody has any questions, we can leave early"? And then some weirdo sitting in the front row would ask some kind of long-winded question? Yeah, it was like that.

No, seriously, more influential bloggers, I love you guys. It's just that time moves at a different rate when you're staring at an aged Merlot and a cracker spread with bleu cheese.

Finally we got to have at it. And they had this goat cheese with fennel and lavender. And I thought lavender was for lotions and stuff, but ... O ... M ... G. If it weren't for the "other people" and "social norms," I would have shoved the entire package of cheese into my purse when nobody was looking. Plus the package was such a pretty purple.

They took out more cocktails and, like, chocolate-dipped everything.

Then it was time to go. Oh wait, did I mention my kid came with me? Yeah, I kind of forgot about him for awhile, too. Anyway, he was over in the childcare area, so I picked him up, and then we both got a bunch of free stuff to take home. I got the basket I made, plus another huge bag with more stuff (popcorn, candy, chocolates, wine, cookies, love, pretzels). Nathan got a cute snowman lunchbox filled with treats.

Although 1800baskets did not pressure us to pitch their products in any way, I want to give them a shout-out because they were so good to the mom bloggers today. Few of us get the opportunity to spend a pleasant kid-free Tuesday eating fancy cheeses. I think they really made us all special.

And throughout December, when you order from 1800baskets, mention code "SHANNON" at checkout. You won't save any money, but won't it be fun to practice typing my name?