The Kitchen Manager

If I was kind of rich and could afford to hire one household helper, I think it would be a Kitchen Manager.  I'm not sure if that's a real job, but I'd make it one. 

I see a necessity for this position because I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time just managing the details of my kitchen.  And I'm not suggesting that I'm super organized in there or anything.  My spice rack isn't alphabetized, nor are my canned goods--the only thing in my kitchen that's alphabetized is the contact list in my cell phone.  I don't routinely go in and purge expired foods.  I think there are containers of baby food in my pantry that expired in 2008. 

No, what I'm saying is that I find it incredibly time-consuming just to ensure that, at a very basic level, we all have food to eat, clean dishes on which to eat it, clean cookware in which to cook it, a clear horizontal surface on which to place it, and a vaguely sanitized eating environment. 

Here is what I think would be in the Kitchen Manager's job description:

• Basic Decluttering: Throw away/recycle random food, mail, containers, and garbage left on kitchen counter and/or table; Put toys, socks, coats, and any other non-kitchen items back where they belong
• Grocery Procurement: Plan meals, make grocery lists, scour store ads, clip coupons, go to the grocery store, carry in groceries, put away groceries, throw out expired food items in fridge to make room for new groceries
• Food preparation: Cut up fruits and vegetables and put in containers for easy access; Prepare all meals; Be on call for all food-related requests (e.g. snacks, drinks, random husband request for pie)
• Dishwashing: Load all dishes in dishwasher; Hand-wash items that don't fit in dishwasher; Unload dishwasher; Keep counter/sink clear of dirty dishes
• Administrative Help: Since the kitchen is the catch-all location for all important mail and paperwork, the Kitchen Manager needs to perform some light administrative assistant duties:  File paperwork according to priority and bring it to the attention of the employer; Make a note of important dates on Google calendar; Put important papers up on fridge or bulletin board
• Basic Everyday Maintenance: Take out trash; Wipe down all counters/table; Sweep 3x a week
• Deep Cleaning: Once a week: Wash floor on hands and knees; Clean inside of microwave; Clean sink

Now, I fully acknowledge that as a stay-at-home mom, it would be unnecessary for me to hire household help.  In this hypothetical, I imagine that if I were wealthy enough to hire a Kitchen Manager, I'd have come into money via some form of lucrative employment, which would take up enough time that it would necessitate outsourcing some household duties.  Or else I would have won the lottery, in which case most of my time would be spent attempting to prevent my life from becoming a total train wreck, if the TV show The Lottery Changed My Life is at all accurate.  

However, I will say, back in the confines of real, non-hypothetical life, that I am frustrated by how much time I spend just keeping my kitchen in a barely-decent state.  Often I find that by the time I get through my daily kitchen work, I have run out of time/energy/motivation to do any other household chores.  And a few times a week I find myself overwhelmed to a nearly debilitating level by how unfit my kitchen has become in just a matter of hours. 

So, as soon as I come into money, I will be hiring a Kitchen Manager.  Know anybody qualified?