Books and flowers, and books about flowers

Last week I finished reading the book Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety. In the book, author Judith Warner discusses the tendency for modern moms to try to obsessively control every aspect of their children's lives. She talks about moms enrolling their children in a bevy of activities in an attempt to raise some kind of hyper-competitive superhuman. Or about how moms become control freaks about things like a child's diet or sleep schedule. Warner says that, basically, modern moms feel like they're doing everything wrong in trying to raise these perfect children.

I should point out that the book was published in 2005, and that Warner's data came from, among other sources, interviews with mothers of young children between 2000 and 2004. In some ways I think with the rise in popularity of mom blogs and books like I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids, we've experienced a backlash against this drive for perfect motherhood, and back into an "I'm okay, you're okay" attitude toward motherhood. (Though whether or not these blogs/books were a cause or effect of a new maternal attitude, I cannot say.) Still, I think Warner made some relevant points. She hypothesizes that control freakishness in motherhood is a result of the fact that we feel like the rest of the world is largely out of our control. The economy is bad and jobs are scarce. When you do have a job, you have to give and give and give in a way that employees of previous generations may not have had to, all for a company that feels no loyalty whatsoever to its employees. Further, parents feel unsupported, both because of a lack of family nearby or because American society has neither attitudes nor resources to support working parents (e.g. extended maternity leave or strict government regulations on daycare facilities). She made an interesting point about how we all feel that feminism has brought us an incredible level of personal freedoms when it comes to choosing to work or stay home, but in actuality most of us don't have a choice as to what we do. And she isn't just talking about people who have to work because they need the money. She is also talking about how some people are forced into staying home because either their husbands work so many hours that nobody is home to watch the kids (cough, cough), or because women are forced to quit jobs that just aren't compatible with having a family. No matter what, it all adds up to a world where we feel alone, frustrated, and out of control. And rather than turning our frustrations into efforts to change the world for ourselves and other moms, we are turning our attention inward toward being control freaks in our own homes.

Now, there were parts of this book I could relate to so strongly that I thought my name should be in there. (For example, a mom who said she felt guilty if she got a babysitter for her daughter and then used the time to do anything else besides picking up dry cleaning or shopping for groceries. Hello, me.) Other parts I couldn't relate to so much, such as the mom who fretted over what her child's birthday party would say about her social standing. Examples like that made me feel like Warner's points were a little too extreme, and that she found the most outlandish anecdotes to support her theories. And the book was peppered with giant generalizations, as well as an overall negative tone where she pretty much said, "The world is a terrible place for moms, and I don't see it getting better anytime soon."

Now, obviously this book was meant as a call for social action, and, as such, it needed to come off angry and negative in order to get people motivated to work for change. But when I think about Warner's points in terms of my own personal situation, I see my decisions not so much as settling, as they are just making the best of the circumstances I've been dealt. No, I did not feel like working full-time with a long commute, plus having a husband who works crazy unpredictable hours, plus not having any family nearby, added up to a situation I could survive long-term. But I was lucky that my husband earned enough money working those long hours at a job he loved (or, perhaps I was lucky I earned so little working at a job I hated), so I chose to stay home.

I do have the same concerns most stay-at-home moms have. I feel bored and unfulfilled sometimes, and the tasks are monotonous. I worry about opting out of the workforce, and what that means in terms of the work I'll be eligible for when I opt back in. And there's the side issue of not saving for my retirement.

But, ultimately, I think I am making a good life for myself. I do an okay job finding activities for myself, such as working out or blogging. Feeling personally fulfilled as a mother, Warner points out, is the best thing you can do for your child. And, as I said, I do okay on that front. I'm not so wrapped up in taking Nathan to activities that I don't have time to do some of my own things, though I readily admit that I do a lot of activities with him, for my own sanity as much as his. (Warner points out that a lot of this hyper-scheduling of kids actually is related to a mom's need for outside interaction when her husband works so many hours, which is symptomatic of a larger disconnect within marriages. So, again, way to turn an attempt to make the best of things into a big old cause for concern. As you can see, it was the feel-good book of the century.)

In spite of all the enrichment I put myself and my child through, I have felt a little bit of a sense of, "Is that all there is?" lately. Nathan is at an age where he is simultaneously less needy and more frustrating (the latter part largely due to his changing nap schedule), and I'm wondering if I should try to look for some paid employment. Like it or not, you feel more valuable if you are actually being financially remunerated for your efforts.

The thing is, though, I think back on my full-time work-outside-the-home-mom days with absolute horror. (Not to be a drama queen or anything.) I was in the throes of depression, which was not caused by working, but was certainly being exacerbated by the stress of it all. Every day I would deal with getting up and getting Nathan and myself ready to walk out the door, then doing the daycare drop-off, pain-in-the-ass train commute, eight hours of totally unfulfilling work in a florescently-lit cubicle, pain-in-the-ass train commute home, daycare pick-up, coming home to a whole other bunch of demands in terms of dinner and bedtime, and then just crashing for the one hour I had to myself before it was bedtime and time to do it all over again. And the weekends weren't relaxing, because I had to try to cram in all the laundry and grocery-shopping, as well as chase Nathan around through hour after hour of toddler activities. (Though obviously at this point he can entertain himself for a little while longer than he could two years ago, and the places I can take him are a little more fun for both of us.) And I was still a control freak about the way things were cooked or cleaned, so I was doing most of the housework even when I worked full-time. And I had more regular work hours than my husband (plus he taught night classes), which meant I was doing most of the childcare.

So, for all those reasons, full-time work doesn't seem to be the answer. Which means I am looking for part-time work that is not only fulfilling, but geographically-desirable and decently-paying. Which means that I'm probably not going to find work.

I would like to be one of those people who just gets paid tons of money and gets free stuff for her blog. Where can I apply for that job?

I also like flower-arranging. So, this past weekend I went to my second all-day flower class, hell-bent on not-so-subtly dropping the hint that I'm interested in a flower job. Well, it turns out I am too slow to be a professional designer, and even so there's no work for flower designers right now.

Anyway, I made a few arrangements, but these are the only two I photographed.

The top one is designed in the Biedermeier style, meaning that it is a geometric shape consisting of only flowers (no leaves). The color combo wasn't the best, but I had to work with what I was given. Interestingly (at least to me), those round, green things are a type of carnation.

The bottom picture shows a Victorian style arrangement, the defining characteristic of which is flowers arranged at exactly the same height. The alternative to Victorian is French garden style, also known just as garden style, in which flowers have different heights, as they would grow in a garden.

Both of those arrangements were made in a piece of Oasis floral foam. We also learned how to do spiral bouquets that could be put in a vase, which was much more useful for a person like me whose main source of flowers is the grocery store and whose main use of flowers is to dress up a table that is otherwise cluttered by newspapers and sippy cups.

In the spirit of flower-arranging, I decided to read the book Bed of Roses, which is part of Nora Roberts' Bridal Quartet series that centers around four friends who run a wedding-planning business. Bed of Roses is, as you may have guessed, the book that focuses on the woman who is the florist in the business. The next book in the series is Savor the Moment, which focuses on the cake baker. It just came out and is very popular right now, but I probably won't read it right away because these books have to be spread out and saved for when you need the lightest, fluffiest chick lit possible. Such as after you just read a feminist manifesto that makes you question every aspect of your maternal existence.